You and I, Do or Die
by MindAtWork
Summary: (Lams) This Modern Day AU sees the Hamilsquad facing issues in the world today. Laurens is leading the Black Lives Matter fight, Alexander is working as the New York Governor Hopeful George Washington's campaign manager. They're surrounded by friends and doing the best they can to navigate life, love, and to keep fighting for what they believe in. (Implied smut, rating may change)
1. Chapter 1

Alex sighed heavily and rolled over, John rolled with him and molded his form around Alex's, he was sleeping deeply. John's body was warm from sleeping and it comforted Alex, who could find no rest for yet another sleepless night. He tried nuzzling back into John who started snoring faintly. Frustrated by how simultaneously tired and awake he felt Alex wiped his eyes of the sleep that refused to come and got out of bed, pulling a hoodie off the floor beside their bed and tugging it over his head.

He slunk down the hallway to their makeshift dining room study and sat at the dining table that had never actually been used for a meal. Teetering piles threatened to come crashing down, he would sort and handle them... eventually. He opened a pad of paper to a clean page and yawned before beginning to write and got lost in his thoughts, his mind a cavern filled with treasures in the form of words. He didn't hear the bedroom door click open, or notice John's presence until he felt hands on his shoulders.

"What are you doing up?" John yawned and wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders.

"Can't sleep, don't worry about me. Go back to bed." Alexander hugged John's waist

"Alex, these late nights have got to stop. What do you think the last time you got a real night's rest was?" John now crouched beside his chair.

Alex pondered this for a moment before shrugging.

"Babe, I know there's a lot going on, God, I do, but you have to have all of your faculties if we're going to do anything." He pulled the pen out of Alex's hand.

"No, I, I have to do everything I can," he retrieved the pen from John's grasp, "this isn't right. I can do more."

"Alex, you need to rest, you killing yourself isn't going to get us anywhere."

Alexander bit his lip and looked at the ground past John.

"I have to for the Ramirez's, Tonio had papers and everything, now Alicia is alone with three kids now, kids without their father."

"I know watching Tonio leave was hard. It was hard for both of us. I'm scared too, but this isn't productive. We have my rally tomorrow, and the one on Sunday, we're doing what we can."

"Those numbskulls don't get it. They don't see what's really happening, maybe if I just get this out, maybe then they'll see."

"What, another smear campaign? Babe, the people who know what shit bags are in office already agree with us, the others, they aren't going to change their minds, we have to start change on the ground, that's what we're doing. Washington's strong, and he's got a huge following, you know how much higher he is in the polls already. I'm confident, I mean, look at how of that is because of you."

Alex's lips twitched at the mention of his success, the gubernatorial hopeful was becoming a shoo-in with Alexander acting as his campaign manager, "John, go back to bed. I have to finish this."

John stood back up and pulled the chair out beside Alexander, "we're in this together, if you're not sleeping then I won't either, give me some paper."

Alexander smiled at him and tore off a fresh sheet. They worked until the sun came up. John had resorted to mostly flow charts and doodles, but Alex had nearly finished the notebook. He set his pen down and stretched, his wrist clicking loudly with each rotation like it did every time that he wrote for an extended period of time.

"Jesus, you're giving yourself carpal tunnel. You know we have a laptop you can write on just as easily, you're gonna end up just typing it all up afterwards anyway." John looked pointedly at Alex's hands in wide eyed horror.

"No, I prefer to really write, computers work in a pinch, but I like the catharsis of actual pen scratching paper."

John rolled his eyes and picked up his phone, it was nearly eight.

"The guys will be here soon, we should get ready, it's going to be a long day."

Alex agreed and closed his notepad. They stood and John enveloped Alex in his arms, he relented and leaned into John, resting his cheek against John's collarbone, breathing deeply, his scent a balm to Alex's weariness. John squeezed him and let go, disappearing to take a shower. Alex rubbed his eyes and went to get dressed for the day.

There was knock on the door, Alexander hurried to open it. Lafayette and Herc were standing in the doorway, a drink carrier filled with takeaway coffees in Laf's hand.

"Bless you." Alex took one of the coffees before stepping aside to let their friends in.

"Hello, hello, are you ready for this day? Why do you look so tired?" Lafayette was too cheery, it was too early to be so alert and peppy.

John answered from behind them, now dressed, hair dripping, "because someone has kept themselves up every night this week, determined that everyone in our building is going to be deported." He cleared his throat accusingly and tied his wet hair up.

Lafayette set the coffees down on the table in front of the sofa and wrapped an arm around Alexander, "they will have to take me too!"

"They aren't really sending people back to France..." Alexander trailed off, setting his jaw.

"Stop, stop, mon ami, you do this all the time, work yourself up, and then it's all fine." Lafayette gently shook him by the shoulders.

"No, I don't," Alex knit his eyebrows together.

The three other men laughed around him.

"I don't!" He clenched his fists, turning red.

"Alexander, you kind of do." Herc murmur into his coffee, he was sitting with his knees to his chest on the far end of the couch.

"Okay, maybe, I do. So what?" the redness in his cheeks spread over his face.

"Are they picking on you, baby?" John wrapped his arms around Alex's waist from behind.

"I can handle it." Alex grumbled, playfully glowering at his friends.

"Okay, guys, let's get to work. The rally starts at 11, the streets are already blocked off, I'm sure there will be police presence so keep it clean, there's probably going to be some counter protesting, let them do their thing, and we'll do ours." John retrieved his own coffee and sat on the floor across from Herc and Laf.

"They can't just come to our rally, and act like we're the problem!" Alexander complained.

"They can do whatever they want, you need to thicken your skin, my love, just anticipate it, and please for the love of all that's good and holy, don't make a scene. We need to come across as peaceful, this is going to be hugely in the public eye and you already know what Washington thinks about you being radical like this." John rubbed his face.

"I'll try... for you." Alexander sulked.

"Everyone knows their positions?" Lafayette tried to bring the attention away from Alex's sulking.

"Yup, we all have a rendezvous point at Starbucks if we get separated, Angelica will be running the PA." Hercules stated, mentally running through a checklist.

"God, we're lucky to have those girls." John smiled. The Schuyler sisters had been an unstoppable force and had helped John carry the torch, Angelica was the most vocal, she was in a band and used her platform to raise as much awareness as possible. She'd been Alexander's first friend in the states and introduced him to John. Eliza was passionate, she wanted the future to be better for the next generation, she was a social worker and had seen horrible things, her passion was quieter, but she was just as driven. Their youngest sister, Peggy came along because it made her feel important, but she didn't seem to have too many dogs in the fight.

They kept discussing the plan for the day. John looked far off, deep in thought. Alexander roused him, "what are you thinking about?"

"Herc, have you been photographed with us, at these rallies?" John asked.

"I... I don't know, I don't think so." Hercules pondered the thought.

John beamed at Alex.

"Yes!" Alex bolted to his feet.

"Yeah?" John stood with him and they grasped each other by the forearms.

"Absolutely." Alex nodded enthusiastically.

"What are they doing?" Herc asked Lafayette.

"I think they are about to make passionate love right here on the coffee table. Here, move your things." Lafayette said inquisitively and picked up his own coffee.

"No, you French free-loving pervert." Alexander retorted, he grabbed notebooks from the dining

table and rushed back, throwing them down on the coffee table.

"I knew it involved the coffee table." Laf smirked.

Alexander got to scribbling, his handwriting quick and jagged loops.

"John, can you translate?" Hercules looked helplessly at John.

"Uh, right, yeah, I forget you guys don't speak fluent Hamilton-ese. So, Herc, you're not as... loud at the rallies as some of us, which is perfect! Great, actually. Listen, you know that Charles Lee is outspoken about being completely against Black Lives Matter, Alexander is already doing what he can to improve the standings for George, but if you can get in with the Lee campaign, you can get vital information for us and maybe you can burn their house down from the inside. It has to be you, Alex is, well, very opinionated, and it's clear that he's the campaign manager for Washington, so that would never work. Lafayette, you've been my right hand man this whole time. But, Hercules, you, you could slip in there, be our double-agent. What do you say?" John bit down on his lip waiting for an answer.

"Fuck yeah." Herc fist pumped.

"Okay, so the plan is, Herc, you get in on the Lee team, and be like our double agent, see what information they let slide, and then you can report it back to us, and I'll take it to Washington, and it'll be a sure victory for him, absolutely, and if you find out anything else, well, I'd be happy to let the Post get ahold of that information, too." Hamilton looked up from his notebook.

"John literally just explained that." Lafayette shook his head at Alexander.

"Oh. you did?" Alex looked up at John.

"Kind of, yeah." John rolled his eyes.

"Oh... Sorry... Was writing, I, well... Yeah." Alex blushed again.

"I'm in." Hercules reiterated.

"Outstanding, it's all coming together. You're off the hook for today, unless you want to do our dishes." John smiled.

"I'm good, besides, you guys have Hulu." Hercules kicked his feet up on the table. Alex pushed them aside to have enough room to continue writing.

"Alright, well let's get going." John patted Alexander to coax him away from his notebook.

He insisted on bringing it, they all bundled up seasonally appropriate coats and attire, Alexander wrapped a scarf around his neck, he'd never totally acclimated to the New York climate. The three of them left the apartment and made their way to the park for the rally that John had spent so many months working to orchestrate.

"This is going to be amazing," Alex announced a little too loudly.

"We have worked very hard." Lafayette concurred.

"I just hope I don't fuck this up." John sounded nervous.

"No way you could." Alex wrapped his arm around John's waist.


	2. Chapter 2

The rally was off to a great start. The PA system working flawlessly as Angelica gave her speech. John was shining in his element. Just after noon, he took the cue from Angelica and mounted the stage. He stood up there and recited the names of each unarmed black person that had been shot. Alexander beamed at him, so proud to see what he had worked so hard for paying off. Someone in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he took his eyes off of John.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." He muttered to himself. He looked at the intruder and back to John, and then tried to find Lafayette in the crowd to calm him down, knowing that he would be able to talk him down. His friend was nowhere to be found, the crowd too thick.

The intruder set a milk crate down, climbed up on it and then began to shout as loud as possible, competing with John's amplified voice.

"This 'movement' is not the solution to the problem. How can you be so dense as to think that this is a solution. Of course Black Lives Matter, don't All Lives Matter, what about the white lives that are taken? Where are their demonstrations? What awareness is being raised for them? Vote Charles Lee for Governor, for All Lives."

"Don't make a scene, Alexander, don't make a scene." Alex repeated the mantra, bouncing on the balls of his toes trying to let off his pent up energy as the counter-protester continued to spew.

"And, look up there, look at who leads you, he isn't even black. You hate white people so much, yet you let one lead you?" the ranting continued. John hadn't noticed the counter protester yet.

"He's Puerto Rican, you ignorant shit, but that's fine, don't make a scene, Alexander, just don't make a scene."

"What could he know about this? You really let him lead you? Why, because he doesn't remind you to see black on black violence as the issue that it really is?"

Lafayette had noticed what was happening and moved through the crowd in search of Alexander, hopeful that he could stop him from whatever idiotic thing he was about to do. Seabury wouldn't let up on John, and as he insulted him, insulted everything that he'd worked for the mantra stopped working. Alexander closed the distance between Seabury and himself.

"Listen here, asshole. You don't get it, maybe it's easy for you to sit up there and tell us what it's like on the ground from your pedestal, you don't know shit. Let me speak unequivocally, you may not know it yet, but there's a revolution coming, steeping right here in this park and you have the honour of witnessing it, and goddammit if that man up there isn't going to lead us to it. And George Washington too, so you go and tell Lee that we all see him for who he really is. A coward who would shit his pants if he had to do something like what that man up there is doing." Alexander shouted into the intruder's face.

Lafayette was only feet away and couldn't decide how to intervene, he watched nervously, hoping that Alex wouldn't punch anyone.

"Do you see this? Do you see what these radicals are doing? Angry, 'people of colour,' shouting in my face? I am only here to heard, isn't that what you people want too? Why should my opinion be any less valuable? Are you going to hit me now, too?"

Lafayette took the opportunity and stepped in, he put a hand out in front of Seabury and pressed his fingertips into Alex's chest, "gentlemen, let us go our separate ways. Samuel, I encourage that you find a more appropriate venue to be heard in and leave us to ours. Alexander, let's go."

"And. And you smell like a dog! Mangy ass!" Alexander pushed forward, but Lafayette's hand remained in place.

"Alex, we're done here." Lafayette said firmly.

"But Laf, he started this."

"Very well," Seabury nodded and stepped down from the crate, he sneered over his shoulder at the two.

Alexander made a face once he'd turned around and opened his mouth to hurl another insult, Lafayette grabbed him by the back of his hoodie, choking the words before they could leave his throat.

"Think of John." He whispered into Alexander's ear.

Alex tugged away from Lafayette and rubbed his neck.

"You were about to be the next youtube sensation," Lafayette told him, "didn't you say that Washington has already been laying into you for being too outspoken."

"Yes."

"Are those two men that you want to be mad at you?"

"No."

"Okay, John's just finished, let's go congratulate him."

They made their way to the stage and John ran to Alexander, sweeping him into a hug. Alexander kissed him and laughed.

"You did it!"

"Thank you, I couldn't have done any of this without you."

They held each other for another moment and then broke away, Lafayette and John embraced and Lafayette kissed John's cheek, affirming that he was amazing. Alexander greeted Angelica. She was beautiful and carried the badass look well. Her long hair pulled back into a ponytail to fully show off her "The Future is Female" shirt under a leather jacket.

"Thanks for your help, Angelica."

"Of course. I think it went well. I'd do anything for John, he's an inspiration."

She started to wrap up the cords and break down the equipment.

"Are you going to tell him?" Lafayette interrupted, "or shall I?"

"Tell me what?" John asked, suddenly nervous.

"Seabury came." Alexander told him.

"That bastard!" Angelica grumbled in spite of herself, "sorry."

"Alex, you didn't do anything did you?"

"Well, not at first, but he started talking about you, and I just, well, I didn't hit him, I didn't, but I did maybe say things back to him, and I only engaged, I didn't even say half of what I wanted to, but see, I would have, but Lafayette stopped me, so you shouldn't be too mad. I just couldn't have him say those things about you." Alexander was rambling.

"Thank you, Lafayette." John sighed.

"Of course, it really was not that bad, Alexander was far more restrained than I have seen him in the past."

"You dummy, I love you. You've gotta stop this though, it's not going to get us anywhere."

"Now what?" Lafayette asked, now responsible for holding something for Angelica.

"We go drink!" John cheered, "Angelica, you coming?"

"I can't, got a show tonight, you should come if you're free, it's down in the village."

"Have a good show." John wished her luck and left Lafayette to help her as he pulled Alexander

with him to go home, he stuck a hand in the back pocket of Alex's jeans and held him tighter, the chill of spring in New York made his skin prickle.

"Are you mad?" Alex asked once they were out of the park.

"No, I'm not mad. I wish you wouldn't compromise yourself like that though, but your spirit is why I love you most. And, how could I not love someone so quick to defend my honour?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Do you think there's any food left in the house?"

"Not with Herc there alone all day."

Alexander laughed at this and smiled up at John as they walked back to their apartment.


	3. Chapter 3

Hercules had indeed helped himself to their food and was sitting on the couch with a mixing bowl full of Cocoa Puffs watching Project Runway when John and Alexander got back to the apartment.

"Oh, hey, guys," He said, pausing Tim Gunn and sitting up, "I was just having a snack."

Alex and John smiled at one another.

"How did it go?"

"You should have seen John, he killed it. Everyone loved him. Oh and that dumb ass Seabury showed up. But I handled it." Alex brushed his shoulders off.

"Calm down, Jay-Z." John said patronizingly.

"Hey, that man is a very talented writer, he doesn't get enough respect for his art."

"What do you mean? He's Jay-Z! He's like the most respected." Herc piped up.

"No, well, kind of, he was really slandered there for awhile." Alexander defended.

"Yeah, for cheating on Beyonce..." John reminded him, "who cheats on Beyonce?" John and Hercules shouted together.

"I mean, I dunno, mistakes happen?" Alex shrugged, his mouth curling awkwardly, he went to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

"Mistakes? Mistakes?" Hercules jumped to Beyonce's aid.

"What, no, I mean like, I dunno, man, like." Alex turned red and he rubbed the back of his neck, filling the pot with water.

"Oh? Is that what I think it is? My Alexander Hamilton speechless?" John taunted, looking

Alexander up and down.

"Stop." Alex whined, holding back a smile, he set the pot into the base and reached out for John.

"Uh-uh, you better call Becky with the good hair." John dramatically freed his long mane which was still damp.

"Oh my God, I'm not Jay-Z."

Lafayette knocked on the door, Alex was quick to let him in to try and deflect the situation.

"Bonsoir, gentleman. May I say, Hercules you missed a fine performance from John." Laf bowed deeply.

"Thanks, Laf." John beamed, knowing that he had done a good job today.

"What are you gentlemen doing?"

"The lovebirds were fighting because Alexander's a Jay-Z sympathizer." Hercules chimed in.

"No, Jay-Z is cancelled, how could you forgive him for what he did to Beyonce?" Lafayette side-eyed at Alex.

"Right! I mean, really team Solange, like Brahp Brahp Bam, bye Jay-Z!" Hercules punched the

air like he was a boxer.

"Jesus, all I said was I like his work." Alex grumbled.

"So, what have you got to drink?" Lafayette changed the subject.

"Not too much, unfortunately." Hercules sighed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry that our liquor cabinet wasn't stocked to your satisfaction, cereal boy." John rolled his eyes.

"Okay, okay, fine, how about I go out and get us something from the corner store?" Alexander suggested.

"We could just go out?" Hercules offered.

"You can't be seen partying with us, Herc. You're the enemy now, remember?" John pushed.

"Oh, right, enemy. Gotcha." He tapped his temple and resumed Project Runway to leave the others to make the decision.

"I'll go. Any requests?"

"Sam Adams!" Hercules requested.

"Some wine?" Lafayette said suavely.

"You, babe?"

John shrugged and flopped down on the couch beside Hercules. Lafayette followed suit. Alex bundled back up and headed out. John quickly fell asleep with his head on Lafayette's chest and his feet tucked under Herc's legs.

"I guess he is tired?" Lafayette smiled.

"Guess so. How was the demonstration?"

"It was so good. I wish you could have been there. I thought that I was going to have to kill

Alexander, though."

"No. What happened?"

"When Seabury showed up, he tried to go full Hamilton."

"God, you make it sound like he goes super Saiyan."

"Have you ever truly seen him? He does!"

"He loves John though, that's pretty redeeming." Hercules smiled.

"Pretty hard not to love him." Lafayette cradled John's head and lowered it onto his lap since it had bent to an unnatural angle that would most certainly hurt. Lafayette's phone started to ring. He tried to deftly maneuver it out of his pocket without bothering John.

"It's Angelica." He said in shock.

"Damn, she's fine."

"Shh!" he answered, "hello, Angelica?"

Her voice was tinny through the phone, ambient noise working to drown her out.

"Laf, hey, yeah, look, I know this is weird, you said you guys were getting together tonight, I'm about to go on, but Eliza had a really bad day, can she come kick it? If not, that's cool, I just know she has no desire to come to this shitty bar and watch me."

"Uh, yeah, sure." He proceeded to give her Alex and John's address.

"You're the best, thanks! Alright, gotta go."

"Bye."

The line disconnected.

"What was that all about?" Hercules ribbed.

"Eliza wants to come over." He said slowly.

"Good shit, man. She's no Angelica, but she's cool."

"Yeah," Lafayette sighed.

"Quit pining over Angelica, bro, she's totally a lesbian! And aren't you gay?"

"I'm French." He stuck his nose in the air.

"I'm sorry, bisexual."

Lafayette rolled his eyes. They heard the sound of keys being fumbled with and then dropped.

"Fucker." Alex was on the other side of the door. Hercules let him in.

"Thanks guys, sorry it took me so long." Alex said from behind a stack of boxes. Hercules took a case of beer out of his hands. Alexander saw John sleeping in Lafayette's lap.

"God, he's so cute." Alex smiled and set the rest of the alcohol down. He sat on the floor in front of Lafayette and brushed the curls away from John's face.

John stretched and woke up, "hi, I fell asleep."

"You did, it was cute." Alexander was grinning.

It registered to John that if he was face to face with Alex that he was sleeping on someone else's lap and he looked up at Lafayette and blushed.

"Sorry, Laf."

"It is fine, this is not even the first time, John, you were tired from all of your rabble rousing. But now that you're awake, Alexander you should distance yourself from my genitals."

Alex realized how awkward the position was and got to his feet, chuckling.

"Eliza's coming." Hercules told the actual tenants of the apartment.

"Oh, that's cool." John shrugged.

"Yeah, cool." Alex agreed, finally able to drink some of the coffee that he'd made.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I try not to interrupt the story too much, but I did notice the issue with the coding bug and chapter 2 has been fixed. I haven't reached the end of this story, but have almost 15,000 words that I've cranked out in three days in the editing room waiting for you guys. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

The knock on the door was small and hesitant. John opened it. Eliza was waiting in the hallway with a bottle of sparkling wine.

"Hi, Eliza, thank you for coming, please make yourself at home." John invited her in.

"The lady has good taste." Lafayette took the wine from her.

"I didn't want to show up empty handed. I don't want to seem that helpless. More than you know, having my sister invite me over here. I'm really sorry that I couldn't make it to the rally today. We just had this poor little baby boy go through intake, really bad situation, but, now's not the time to talk about work, Eliza." she ended off muttering to herself.

"No it's okay, really, we're glad you're here now." John smiled and handed her a bottle opener and a glass. She sat between Lafayette and Hercules. Alex pulled John into his lap on the floor.

They drank into the night, talking about their adventures and jobs, and dreams, eventually Lafayette stood and lifted his wine.

"To John, for reminding us all that our freedom can never be taken away."

"To John!" Everyone echoed and then drank. Herc crushed his can of Sam Adams and got two more from the fridge tossing one to John.

"I'm proud of you." Alexander whispered in John's ear and then kissed the top of it.

Eliza got swept into conversation with the guys on the couch and John turned to properly kiss Alex. Alexander let out a giggle and returned the kiss.

"See, that's what I want, why are you guys so cute and charming, and perfect for each other?" Eliza gulped her wine, finishing the glass. Lafayette immediately refilled it.

Alex and John broke apart and looked at her with empathy.

"Someone need their ass kicked?" Herc asked Eliza.

"No it's not worth it, just another jerk on Tinder." she leaned back and started on the fresh glass.

Lafayette offered comforting words something between French and English.

"Fuck 'em." Alex offered up.

"Yeah, you're amazing, screw that guy." John agreed.

"You guys are sweet. I'm just going to be alone, it's cool, it's whatever, I'm good. We can't all be the sexy rock star of the family."

"But that sexy rock star isn't sitting next to me, is she? No that's you Mademoiselle." Lafayette batted his eyelashes at her.

She chuckled, "I can't tell if you're gay or not."

"He's French." Hercules reminded her.

"Ah, right."

They all laughed and continued to make merriment. Finally Hercules yawned and stood up.

"I gotta get my ass home."

"I should go too." Eliza sighed, feeling better now.

"We will walk you home." Lafayette helped her off the couch.

"Night guys, thanks for everything today." John shut the door behind their friends and surveyed the mess.

"Leave it till tomorrow." Alex turned off the lights.

They climbed into bed, John turned on the lamp beside the bed and let Alex hold him in his arms. Alexander trying to position his hair in a way that wouldn't gag him. John turned and kissed him. Alex giggled and deepened their kiss, John giggled at the tickling sensation of Alex's mustache on his face and kissed him back.

"I love you." John broke them apart to say.

"John Laurens, I love you so much it hurts. You're my inspiration." Alex held him tighter to himself.

John slid between the sheets kissing Alex's bare abdomen, twining his fingers through the small patch of hair that grew high on his chest. Alex moaned at the feeling and John continued to make his way down his body. Alexander tried to relax, but his mind continued working. After a few moments of silence he spoke.

"John, John," he cleared his throat, "John Laurens, will you marry me?"

John popped up through the covers, wiping his face with the back of his hand, his eyebrows knit together over his hazel eyes twinkling in the lamplight.

"Alexander, I know I'm good at what I do, but... what?"

Alexander pulled John into his lap and held him, leaning against the headboard.

"I just keep thinking about what I want. Our life together, our futures. But, hey, if I messed up, sorry, pretend it never happened, honestly, and if you want to go back to what you were doing that's great too." Alex was talking rapid fire trying to back pedal.

"I want those things too, Alexander. I love you, I love our life together. I've wanted those things with you for six years now." John rubbed Alex's face tracing his goatee.

"Four years? Has it really been six years?" Alex tried to think back.

"Yeah, I was 19."

"Wow. I guess you're right."

"As usual."

"John Laurens, you take that back."

"Make me." John challenged.

Alex flipped them and pinned him by the wrists, "ha," he kissed him.

"You think you're clever."

"I know I'm clever." Alexander released John and sat up, straddling his waist.

"Okay, you're right. You are."

John sat up, fully facing Alex, "so you're serious?" His head tipped to one side.

"Dead serious. Completely serious. Like, I've been wanting to do this for months, but figured I'd wait until after the protest since I didn't want to overshadow you, because butting in is kind of my thing, but I didn't want to do that to you. I mean, I've done it to you plenty of times, but it seemed wrong to do it now, I know how hard you and Lafayette have worked and it just seemed like I should wait, but I can't wait, I've waited too long. So, will you… Marry me?"

"It would be my greatest honour to be your husband, Alexander Hamilton. When?" John asked greedily.

"Tomorrow," Alex offered.

"Can't, I'm busy saving the world."

"Hmm, fine, how about next week?" Alexander tried to sound casual.

"Next week?"

"Too soon? I just want you to be mine. I don't need anything else. Me, you, some friends, something to drink."

"How about next month?" John was trying to be rational.

"I can wait a month, now, where were we?" Alexander pressed his lips to John's jaw and down his neck, "my husband, my love, my dear muse, my everything."

John let him keep kissing him and enjoyed himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Things had been a blur since the night of the rally. There had been another rally that weekend, this time for hurricane relief in Puerto Rico, their engagement making them more spirited for their causes. Washington found out about Alexander's would be altercation with Seabury and had put him on a tight leash. There were only ten more months until the election and the polls were getting closer. Charles Lee was friendly and approachable, people saw the stoicism and moderateness of George Washington as off putting. In the month since the rally Hercules had managed to get a low level gig in Lee's office, canvassing, once they trusted him to go without a buddy, he switched out the Lee posters for Washington ones. The plan was working.

"Hamilton, my office, please?" Washington peered out of his office.

Alex looked around at his officemates and stood, walking slower than he thought he ever had to George's office.

"Have I done something wrong, sir?" he asked around the lump in his throat.

"On the contrary." George looked tired. The weariness settled in creases around his eyes.

Alexander sat patiently, waiting for him to speak.

"Have you seen this?" Washington turned his computer monitor to face Alexander.

The computer browser was on twitter. Charles Lee had had a busy night.

 _Washington cannot be left alone to his devices, what I saw from him in Desert Storm, was indecisive, as Governor he'll lead from crisis to crisis, not at all what New York needs. #Lee4Gov_

Alexander read the tweet from Lee again and again, "fuuuu…"

"Not what I was hoping for, we've secured a strong lead, but this could be damaging."

"I can handle this."

"Alexander, I don't know that your method is exactly what we need right now."

"How about I let John help, he's not as… spirited as I am."

"John isn't on my staff, so what he does is up to him, but I'd rather you stay out of this."

"Noted, sir." Alexander stood up and started to walk out of the office, "you and Martha are sure about this weekend?"

George's tired eyes scanned the wall as the grinding cogs in his mind searched for some reminder of his obligation.

"My wedding, sir."

Washington's eyes lit up, "of course, my boy, my apologies, absolutely."

Alex smiled and left the office, sitting back down at his desk he got to work on the speech that Washington would give at the next assembly, it would have to be even better now that they had to shut Lee up. His phone pinged with a message from John,

 ** _2 more days_**

Alexander grinned and typed back, **_so excited, can't wait. P.S. George confirmed_**

They continued to text through the day and Alexander longed to go home to him, willed the clock to reach five. He sunk himself into writing the speech, completely disconnecting from the sounds of the office around him and when he finally looked up at the clock, it was seven.

"Dammit." He wiped a hand over his face and scooped his things into his messenger bag.

"Bye, Washington, I'll have the speech for you tomorrow." He called.

The air was warmer, but he still didn't like how cold it was when he opened the office door. Alex pulled his phone out, there were four texts.

 ** _Home soon?_**

 ** _Everything okay?_**

 ** _I'm making curry_**

 ** _Hope you aren't dead, I love you_**

Alex walked as quickly as he could to the subway and of course it was closed for repairs that wouldn't happen. After almost 30 minutes, he made it home and opened the door, the house was filled with the inviting smell of John's cooking.

"Hey!" he kicked his shoes off and walked into the living room.

John and Lafayette were sitting on the sofa, empty bowls of curry on the table, papers spread out around them.

"Oh, hey, Laf." Alex was disappointed to find they had company.

"Bonsoir, mon ami, tu es en retard." Lafayette wagged a finger at him.

"Yeah, I'm late, I'm the worst. Kill me, I know." Alex hung up his coat and walked over to John and kissed him.

"We'll wrap up soon, figured if you were working late, we'd get some work done too. There's still dinner on the stove, it's probably cold by now, though."

"Thank you, te amo. I'm sorry."

Alexander helped himself to the food, it was mostly cold, but he didn't mind. He sat on the floor across the table from the couch.

"What are you guys working on?" he shoveled food into his mouth.

"Wedding plans."

"Anything I need to do still?"

"Did you get your suit at lunch today?"

Alex's face fell, "tomorrow, I will, definitely, I promise."

Lafayette rolled his eyes, "how are you not better, do you see John," he waved his hands in John's direction, "do you see how amazing he is? Get your suit or I'll marry him myself."

"I will, I will."

"Okay, I'm going home," Laf stood up and pointed at Alexander, "suit!"

"Got it!"

"Bye, Laf," John giggled.

Alexander finished his dinner and took his seat beside John.

"I'm really sorry I forgot, rough day."

"What happened?"

Alexander grumbled and pulled out his phone, opening twitter, he found the tweet from Lee and showed it to John.

"Damn."

"I have so much I want to say. Washington pretty much put the kibosh on it, though, I just want to tell that motherfucker who he's dealing with."

"Maybe don't lead with motherfucker?"

"I'm not supposed to say anything at all, I was working on George's speech, that's what took me so long" Alexander lie down across the length of the couch and put his head in John's lap.

John stroked Alex's face and rubbed his head.

"I could."

Alexander sat back up, "John,"

John pulled him back down, "I could. Even better, you could, through me."

"This is why I'm marrying you."

They plotted their revenge against Lee for what he said about Washington and stayed up too late talking. Finally they went to bed.

"Do you really think it's going to be okay?" Alexander asked, the darkness curing him of all tiredness.

"What do you mean?"

"Washington's gonna win this, right?"

"I really don't think so."

Alex sighed.

"Alexander, my love, you're overthinking." John singsonged.

"I know, I know. I just don't want to marry you and then, bam, life sucks, Lee ruins everything, build the wall and we have to like run away to Bolivia."

John turned to face him, "guess what? I have a passport, I'll run away with you all the way there and back again, we'll start a new life. Any life is good as long as it's with you."

"Damn, you're sexy when you talk about running away with me."

"Hopefully we don't have to, but I will."

Alexander kissed him.

"It's after midnight, one more day."


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** **It's almost time for a wedding, how exciting! I really appreciate reviews!**

Friday passed quickly, Alex remembered to go pick up his suit on threat of his life and had been able to crank out something at least decent for the hopeful governor to say next week. It was late in the afternoon, Alex was still working to tweak the speech for next week, he looked annoyed, "Hamilton."

"Uh, yes, sir?" Alex kept his head low as he stood.

"Why are you still here?"

"Uh, you're mad at me for my work ethic, sir?" Alex pondered, not sure what he had done wrong. George crossed the threshold of his office and closed the distance between the two men.

"On the night before your wedding, this is not where you should be. Go home, Alexander."

"It's only four, sir, John never expects me before five at least, usually later."

Washington's jaw set, not up for discussion, "go home."

"Yes, sir." Alexander began to pack up.

Washington placed a firm hand on Alexander's journal. Alex looked up at him with pensive eyes.

"Take the weekend off, I'm your boss, I insist."

"Thank you, sir. I'll see you tomorrow!"

Alexander left the office, though he felt a twinge of anxiety at being separated from his journal. He hurried home, the anxiety melding with his excitement.

"I'm home!" Alexander cheered when he arrived.

"Really?" John called through the bathroom door, the shower was running.

"Yeah, Washington's in quite the mood." he called back.

John hurried out of the shower and met Alexander in the hallway, wrapped in his towel.

"I missed you." He kissed Alex.

"I missed you too."

John went to get dressed and Alexander sat at the dining table and pulled a notebook out of the stack and began to write. John found him at the table.

"I thought that Washington sent you home?"

"Oh, he did, yeah, this isn't work."

"What are you doing, then?"

"Going over my vows, they aren't quite perfect yet."

"Alexander," John sighed, "I wish we'd just gotten something off the internet, do you know how bland mine are going to be next to yours?"

"Bland? Your writing isn't bland, it isn't quite like mine, sure, but it isn't bad, either."

"But yours is so perfect." John bit his lip, feeling nervous.

"I won't even be listening, not when I'm busy looking at that beautiful face, just let me finish this."

"But, yours are definitely already better than mine. Just come spend time with me. I'm pretty sure I'm getting kidnapped before too long, anyway, you can write then."

Alexander felt his heart tugged in two directions, but relented and let John pull him out of his chair. They sat on the couch, watching tv and grooming each other for the duration of the evening, John was a nervous mess of giggles, Alex, on the other hand felt more pensive. There was a knock at the door, John opened it reluctantly.

"Hi, guys." He beamed at Lafayette and Hercules, behind them the three Schuylers were in tow.

"Do you have a bag packed?" Laf asked him.

"Yeah, but really, this seems unnecessary."

"Nope, you're coming with us." Hercules insisted, acting like the muscle.

"We'll keep Alexander company," Angelica insisted, coming inside.

"Isn't it that the bride and groom aren't supposed to see each other? We're both grooms! Ha, your logic is invalidated, I get to keep my man." Alex's eyes grew spirited in debate.

"Then pick which one of you is the lady." Herc side eyed at Alexander's attempt.

"Well, Alexander has the," Eliza motioned to her own face, "whole, beard thing."

"There you go, we're taking ya lady!" Hercules picked up John's bag for him to escort him away.

John left, only somewhat against his will, being held hostage at Lafayette and Herc's apartment. The Schuylers made themselves at home.

"Are you nervous?" Peggy asked Alexander.

"A little bit. I haven't finished my vows yet."

"You should do that, I know John's been fretting over his too." Eliza smiled.

"Get to it!" Angelica prodded.

Alex got back to work while the girls giggled and talked amongst each other. Finally, Angelica came to check on him.

"How's it going?" She asked, peering over his shoulder.

"Pretty well, I think I'm almost done, you can read them if you'd like." He offered the notebook and she grasped it, starting to flip through the pages.

"How far back does it go?"

"Oh, the whole thing, I got that one specifically for my vows."

"How very 'Alexander' of you, where does the final draft start?"

"No drafts, that's the whole thing."

"Alexander, no, this whole thing is almost filled up, we'll be there for hours listening to you."

Eliza and Peggy's attention had piqued and they came to survey the situation.

"Alexander, did you really?" Eliza shook her head and retrieved the journal from her sister.

"I wanna see." Peggy took the other cover in her own hand and the two sisters read it together.

"Okay, no, we're starting over. You only get like three minutes max." Angelica pulled a notebook off the tall stack.

"Not that one, that's my fiscal planning book for Washington's debt relief plan." Alex grabbed it away.

"Okay," Angelica humoured him and grabbed the next one on the stack.

"No, that one's only for my musings on New York laws that Washington plans to ratify.

"Fine, Alexander, which one should we use?" She grew exasperated.

"There's more room in this one." He pointed to the book in Eliza and Peggy's hands.

"Okay, let's get this done right," they all sat together on the floor, "what's your favourite thing about John?"

Eliza interjected, "keep it PG."

"The way his eyes glitter like moonlight and how his nose wrinkles when he laughs, and my God, his mind, the way it works, he's so spirited and determined and like crazy smart." Alexander was rambling.

"Slow down." Angelica told him.

"What do you want him to know?" Eliza asked him.

"That I'll love him until the oceans dry up and the mountains all crumble, and that I'll protect him, and be dutifully his and-"

"Yeah, yeah, got it." Angelica waved him away.

"What about why you love him?" Peggy tried to be a part of the conversation.

"We already covered that." Angelica shut her sister down and continued to write.

"I'm more than capable of writing my own vows, really, if anyone needs help, it's John, I could help him, he didn't want me to earlier, though." Alexander peered down at the page to read what Angelica was writing.

"Hush."

"You're grammar leaves something to be desired, really, I mean, if you're writing it like a letter to him, then why did you put that comma after dearest?"

"Because he's your dearest, isn't he?" Angelica rolled her eyes.

"Yeah it's like, my dearest, ahhh, John Laurens." Peggy sighed dramatically.

"Yeah, it's a great way to start." Eliza concurred.


	7. Chapter 7

**Laurens' POV**

They climbed into the Uber and were whisked off to Hercules and Lafayette's apartment.

"I really could have stayed with Alexander." He complained.

"Nonsense." Lafayette laughed.

"But, he's going to get himself all worked up, I want to calm him down."

"You don't think the Schuyler ladies can handle that?" Hercules asked.

"Fine, you're right, I just don't want him sitting up all night working himself into a tizzy."

"He'll be fine, John, at least you can get some rest." Lafayette tried to sound encouraging.

They arrived at the apartment and walked up all six flights of stairs, Herc carrying John's bag.

"He got his suit, right?" Lafayette asked, anxiety in his voice.

John thought for a minute, had he come home with a garment bag? "I think so…"

"Merde, mon Dieu, that bastard, dégénéré, idiot." Lafayette rapid fired.

"You don't think he has it?" John sounded meek.

"No, I don't, but you're not to worry, I'm taking this horse by the reins, your wedding will be perfect, mon ami!"

"Want me to go?" Hercules asked?

"Do you want to?" Lafayette asked back.

"I don't mind, I'm sure that you have all sorts of terrible things planned to get John ready."

"I do."

"No, no terrible things, I'm good." John said nervously.

"Do not worry. Remember to threaten." Lafayette reassured John and murmured the second part to Hercules.

The car dropped Lafayette and John off and took Hercules back to Alexander and John's apartment. He pounded on the door.

 **Alexander POV**

"Hey, Herc, you guys forget something?" Alex seemed relieved to see another man.

"You did."

"Uh, what? I don't believe that I did."

"What are you wearing tomorrow?"

Alexander's head dropped forward, "fuuuu…"

"Did you pick it up?"

"Yes, it's at my office. I have the keys, I can get down there, first thing."

"No, we're gonna go now, ladies, I'm sorry, Mr. Hamilton and I have an errand to run."

"Good luck, Alex." Peggy giggled as Hercules whisked him away.

The two men traversed the city, making impeccable time for a Friday night. Once they arrived at the campaign office they were shocked to see the lights on.

"Let me go in, be right back," Alexander opened the unlocked door, "it's me, hi."

"Alexander?" Washington walked out of his office, lines were settled in his face, in the fluorescent lights he looked more careworn than usual.

"Yes, sir, I left my suit here, I'm so sorry to bother you."

Aaron Burr walked out behind Washington, "Hamilton."

"Burr," Alexander nodded.

The two men had met in college and been in a _friendly_ rivalry and competition ever since they'd been paired up at orientation, Alexander was still convinced that it had something to do with the fact that they were both orphans.

Washington's lips almost betrayed him in a slight smile, "you'll be wanting that tomorrow."

"Might I say, Hamilton, I can't believe you're actually doing it." Burr shook his head.

"Well, when you're in love," Alexander shrugged and smiled.

Burr grinned to himself, "I'm glad you're happy, my friend, you should smile more, it's very becoming."

"Burr, you should get home and get some rest too, my apologies for keeping you so late." Washington turned on his heel and walked back into his office, he had a gracefulness in his gait, an easily respectable man.

"Yes, sir, I look forward to seeing your strategy play out, Alexander, can I buy you a drink?"

"That would be nice, but I've got a friend outside waiting."

"Perfect, I'll buy you both a round."

They left the building and reunited with Hercules, Alexander reintroduced them, it had been years since Hercules and Burr had seen each other. Burr insisted on taking them to a nearby bar and bought them all a pint, lifting their glasses to Alexander.

"What were you and Washington working on?" Alexander couldn't put work aside, he'd always felt threatened by Burr.

"Just some strategies for the next quarter." Burr acted like it was no big deal.

Alexander knew that Washington liked him better, he never quite trusted Burr, constantly fearing that he held too large a soft spot for Lee, and it was so damned hard to tell what he was really thinking.

"I see." Alexander sipped his beer, he pulled his phone out under the table and texted Angelica, _sorry, be back soon... Burr._

He felt his phone and checked it _ugh, he disgusts me_

"Well, Burr," Alex finished his drink and set down the glass, "thank you for the drink, I need to get home now, see you tomorrow."

"Have a good night gentlemen."

Alexander and Hercules started the journey home, the ale warming them on the walk.

"He's so skeezy." Alexander started once they were out of earshot, a rant was bubbling within him.

"Yup." Hercules agreed.

"Like, who does he even think he is 'I graduated a semester before you, Hamilton,' 'Washington hired me first, Hamilton,' 'I'm going back to school, I'm gonna be a lawyer, Hamilton,' God, he's annoying, he oscillates between opinions, vacillates his convictions, really, I may have my faults, I may push too hard, but my beliefs are clear, and I've gotten to my station in life by working hard, he's made it so damned clear that he's a trust fund baby, oh so sad, your parents died, guess what bitch, I'm a fucking immigrant, I got shit. You got the dollars, the scholarships, me? I worked for what I've got. And I've got Laurens, what can he say he has? A cold ass bed to climb into."

"Yup."

"The worst part is, he doesn't even realize that he's not as great as he thinks he is, he's all talk, but really what have you ever seen him really do?"

Hercules shrugged, he was less taken by Alexander's spirited rants than John and Lafayette.

"Lafayette's my date tomorrow." He almost whispered it.

"Nothing, he does nothing, he's like a liquid, he just molds into whatever container's empty and, boom, that's what he believes - wait, what?" Alex's mind was moving faster than his mouth as usual and it had taken a moment to register what his friend had said.

"He asked me to be his date." Hercules smiled and adjusted his signature beanie low over his brow.

"Haven't you guys been a thing forever, though?"

"We've been good company for each other, sure, but no, this is different. He's been my best friend for, fuck, as long as you and John have been an item, longer, really. We've both stayed single, stayed friends with benefits, I can't tell you the last time I slept in my own bed, but no, we never said anything about it in the light of day, he said something about you and Laurens inspiring him, but it was mostly in French, which I still have a piss poor grasp of."

"That's amazing, yes, I am so excited for you. Lafayette has loved you for so long, this is going to be great."

"He has?"

"Oh, yeah, he talks and talks and talks about you, even right in front of you, your French is piss poor."

Hercules smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

Sleep didn't come to Alex, he spent the night looking over his vows and emptying his coffee pot. He'd taken some of the suggestions that the ladies had given him but made his own revisions after they had gone to bed, the three of them piled onto the pullout sofa. Only he could know how to articulate his feelings for John.

Usually a confident writer, his journal was filled with scratches and edits, he wanted this to be perfect, he'd only get one shot, and he couldn't throw it away on mediocre words, no, this had to be perfect. He finally felt like he'd gotten it right as the sun crested the high rises and he stepped outside onto the fire escape to sip his coffee and breathe in the morning air.

"You recreating Rent out here?" Angelica joined him outside, her hair tied up and covered in a scarf, she looked regal even in her pajamas.

"No, just thinking."

"Nervous."

"Nah."

"Alexander," she rolled her eyes at him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

Alex had a fondness for the oldest Schuyler woman, she'd befriended him almost as soon as she met him and she was the first person he came out to. They shared a quiet solace with each other, one that neither of them got much of anywhere else, if John got Lafayette as a best friend, Alexander was glad to have Angelica as his. Eliza joined them on the fire escape. In the last month she had become a fixture in the Hamilton/Laurens household and had become a dear friend to Alexander.

"Morning, guys, big day today." She sat on the opposite side of Alex and mirrored Angelica's position.

"Big day." Angelica agreed.

"I'm proud of you, Alex. I can think of no better match in this whole world."

"Thank you."

The three of them sat quietly and Alexander enjoyed his coffee while the sun slowly continued its climb.

"Lafayette asked Hercules out." Alex broke the silence.

"Figures. All the good ones are gay." Eliza wrapped her arm around Alexander, snuggling in closer to her friend.

"Yup, they sure are." Angelica jabbed Alex's thigh lightly.

"I suppose we should get ready." Alexander's hands trembled slightly.

"You are nervous." Angelia mused to herself.

"Fine, yeah, a little. This isn't cold feet, though. My feet are hot. Scalding!"

"It's good to be nervous." Eliza reassured him.

They returned inside, Peggy was still sleeping on the couch.

"You should get dressed." Angelica whispered, trying not to rouse the youngest sister.

Alexander took his garment bag into the bedroom and changed, paying careful attention not to miss a button. He stepped into his pants and felt his stomach lurch. They were solidly five inches too long for his frame.

"Shit." he stood on his toes and the pants were still too long.

"Alex, you okay in there?" Angelica called through the door.

"Uh, slight problem." his voice cracked and he opened the door.

Angelica struggled to hold her laughter back. Eliza quickly came to see what was so funny.

"Alexander," she chided.

"How was I supposed to know? The guy measured me like four months ago, I didn't shrink."

"Oh, call Mulligan!" Eliza nearly squealed.

"Brilliant!" Alexander sighed and Angelica handed him his phone, he dialed Hercules and waited impatiently as the line rang.

"Hello?" Hercules sounded distracted.

"Herc, hi, can you come over? I need help."

"Did you fuck up?"

"A little bit."

In the background he heard Lafayette's voice, "merde, did he fuck up?"

"Shh, I'm on the phone, yeah, he did. Alex, I'm on my way."

"Thank you, don't tell John!"

He hung up and took off the too long pants, switching them for sweatpants, the girls had started working to get themselves ready. Hercules arrived in record time and looked annoyed.

"What doesn't fit?" He demanded, setting down a kit that's contents rattled from the inside when he set it down.

"My pants."

"Try them on. Too long? Too big? Too small?"

Alexander changed again, "way too long, pretty good everywhere else."

Hercules rolled his eyes seeing the comically long pants on his friend.

"Jesus, were these cut for Lafayette? Be still." he opened his kit and retrieved pins and began to pin where they would need to be hemmed.

"What's John doing?"

"Sleeping, you know most people do that."

"Is it that obvious I haven't slept?"

"No, just a good guess, do you ever? Okay, take these off, I can get this done in no time."

Alex stripped the ill-fitting pants off again and pulled his sweats back on.

"Is he doing okay?"

"A little nervous, but he seemed excited all night, just kept babbling about his undying love for you." Herc smiled softly and sat on the bed, threading a needle.

"And how about your undying love?"

"If you could even call it that." Herc brushed it off and held a pin between his lips.

"What would you call it?"

"I don't know -"

There was a knock at the bedroom door, "we need Alexander." Eliza called.

"Duty calls." Alex left the room.

"We can at least get the rest of you ready. Although I do like the suit jacket and sweatpants look." Eliza giggled, now donning a blue dress, her long hair half pulled up.

"I mean, John really likes these sweatpants on me."

"I'm sure he does, now let's do something about that hair," she drug him into the bathroom, "sit." she motioned to the toilet and grabbed a brush, holding a hair tie between her teeth.

"What are you doing to me?"

"Pulling this mess back. Just a ponytail, I assume? You certainly can't have it down, that would just be ridiculous."

"Oh, so ridiculous." Sarcasm dripped from his words.

Eliza tapped his head with the back of the hairbrush to admonish him and smoothed his hair back and tied it up at the nape of his neck.

"Almost done. Just need the ribbon." She slipped a navy ribbon matching his suit from the pocket of her dress.

"Maybe we don't need a ribbon?"

"Alexander, you're getting married, you can at least look like you've put some effort in." She secured the ribbon at the base of his head before spraying a cloud of hairspray over him.

He rose and saw himself in the mirror, he looked good, tired, but good.

"Will you let me at least put some concealer on you? I know you haven't slept."

"Thank you, Eliza, but no, besides, how would John even recognize me without these dark circles? They're my signature look." He hugged his friend and they left the bathroom.

Peggy was awake now, but sat in a tired haze, looking at her phone and still in her pajamas.

"Peggy, you're up, lets go." Eliza clapped cheerfully.

Peggy stretched and yawned, standing up.

"Pants are done." Hercules appeared from the bedroom, pants on a hanger.

"My hero." Alexander clapped him on the back and for the fifth time that day he changed his pants.

They fit perfectly, Hercules was a genius.

"Who's ready for a wedding?" Angelica cheered as they all left for the day.


	9. Chapter 9

Martha Washington had outdone herself, she enjoyed throwing parties at the home she shared with George and the children from her first marriage. Flowers lined the footpath to the garden. Alexander was speechless. He found George outside fussing over details.

"Washington, this is incredible, you've done so much for us, thank you."

"Alexander, my boy, this is all my wife's doing. You know how she is about parties."

Martha joined them outside, she was a plump woman with a short stature, she wrapped her arms around Alexander, he took the hug and returned it.

"Mrs. Washington, thank you so much."

"It has been my pleasure, John and your friends are inside, I'm going to go wait for guests. Good luck." She pulled his face down and kissed his cheek.

Though reluctant to admit it, Alexander had found something of parents in the Washingtons. George seemed more relaxed than usual.

"Sir, I really appreciate everything, oh, and while I'm thinking of it, the projections for next quarter are in, I think if we can just get one or two more sponsors-"

"Alexander, today is not for working, walk with me." George quieted him.

Alex followed him down the footpath that led to the small pond on the property.

"O-okay."

They walked through the trees, George took meticulous care of his grounds, Alexander knew that the Washington household ran with the aid of a large staff, underpaid as most laborers, but the Washington's cared for their help.

"The figs are starting to blossom." Washington stroked the fruit of a tree as they passed under it.

Alexander knew to be quiet and let Washington say whatever was on his mind, he sensed a monologue coming as Washington was apt to do when he had a great deal on his mind.

"I was about your age when I married Martha," he smiled slightly remembering simpler times, "she looked so beautiful in that church. Alexander, marriage isn't easy, I've made every mistake, hurt Martha so much, there's a pain in loving someone and tethering yourself to them, but Alexander, greatness lies in you. I can hardly think of someone more deserving of happiness than you. Take a moment alone in the shade, collect yourself, screw your head on straight, it's almost time."

Alexander stood at the water's edge and watched a family of ducks float along the placid surface. He took a deep breath and pulled his journal from his jacket pocket, once more going over his vows.

"Hi you," John wrapped his arms around Alexander's chest, standing behind him, he rested his chin on Alex's shoulder.

Alexander put his vows away, and placed a hand over John's. They both stared out at the water.

"You're not supposed to see me, I thought."

"I snuck out, don't tell." John whispered in his ear. A chill ran down Alex's spine.

"I finally get to marry you." Alex picked up John's hand and kissed his fingers.

"I know. People are already here, I didn't think I'd be so nervous."

"Me either." He chuckled breathily.

John pointed to the middle of the pond, "look, a turtle just poked his head out, that's got to be good luck."

"How do you always do that? You can spot them from like a mile away."

"You just have to look for them," he leaned forward to look better over Alex's shoulder, "I think it's a Blanding."

"No, you cannot tell that all the way from here,"

"Yeah, look at the coloring, see the yellow spots. Totally is. We all have our strengths, you're a literary genius and I can identify testudines. Maybe you'd have better vision if you didn't strain your eyes all the time. You know what time it is?" He loosened his grip on Alex.

"Is it time to go?"

"It's showtime! I'll see you up there." He kissed Alexander's cheek and slipped away.

"I love you," Alexander whispered.

"Oh, and I like the bow." John tugged at Alexander's ponytail as he left.

Taking a deep breath to brace himself, Alexander walked back to the garden where the ceremony was being held. Hercules pinned a rosebud to his lapel and he took his place, standing under the arch beside Washington and waited. The music began and Lafayette and Angelica walked arm in arm down the aisle. Suddenly, there he was, his hair restrained high on his head, showing off each freckle that danced across his face. Eyes twinkling already shiny with tears, a wide grin plastered to his face. He started walking toward Alexander, giving little waves when he saw people in the audience he recognized. Alexander wiped his face and put his closed fist to his mouth, his face turning red. When John got to the end he shot little finger guns at Lafayette and then held Alex's hands.

"Please be seated," Washington started, "we're here today to celebrate the union of Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens, two people whose love and compassion for each other is the only thing that can outshadow their commitment and passion to their causes. John has led a movement, and I've found myself fortunate enough to have young Hamilton as my right hand over the last two years. John and Alexander met in college, shortly after Alexander moved to the United States, and the rest, as you know, is history. The love shared by these two spirits is almost certainly divined by Providence. Alexander, your vows?"

Alex squeezed John's hands and let go, he retrieved the papers from his pocket and cleared his throat.

"John, my dearest, I vow to love you until the oceans become plains and the mountains crumble to sediment. I vow to protect you from harm, from injustice, and the rebuke of those less evolved. I vow to love you dutifully, never retiring from my watch over your heart. I love you for your eyes in the moonlight, your smile, the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh - hey, yeah, like that - to the brilliance in your mind, the strength in your voice and your convictions and I swear to do so this day, and all the rest, so long that I may still hold breath in my lungs," he took a deep shaky breath, "see, it wasn't that long!" he told the audience, eliciting laughter from the crowd.

John rubbed the back of his neck and took a deep breath, "'cause that's not hard to follow." More giggles from the audience.

"It's okay," Alex whispered and nodded to encourage him, squeezing the one hand that still connected them.

"Alexander, I love you, I don't have the words to tell you the same way you tell me, but I promise to stay by your side, to be a friend to you in your darkest hours, even when you hide yourself away in work, and to be your lover during all the others. I promise to be the level headed one so that we don't both go to jail, and to make sure there's coffee waiting for you in the morning. I'll love you forever, stand by your side always, and always do my best to make you smile." John shrugged and pursed his lips.

Alexander grabbed his other hand once the paper had been tucked back away.

"Alexander, do you take John to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"100 percent, my God, of course, yes!"

"And, John, do you take Alexander to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Then by the power vested in me by the great state of New York, I hereby pronounce you married, Alexander, go for it."

Alex bit his lip, his eyes crinkling in the corners, he lunged for John and dipped him in a kiss to the raucous applause of the audience.

"It gives me sheer pleasure to present to you, John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton."

There was applause as everyone stood. Alex and John walked down the aisle hand in hand to the cheers of their friends.

"You were great." Alexander embraced his husband.

"I'm no Alexander Hamilton, but it got the job done."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"Impossible. Damn, I almost wish there wasn't a party." Alex's eyes glinted with want.

"Behave yourself, Alexander. Patience-"

"Is not a virtue that can be attributed to my better qualities."

"If that isn't the truth." John rolled his eyes.

Suddenly there were drinks in their hands, and liveliness encircled them. Everyone was instructed to take their seats. Angelica remained standing.

"A toast to the grooms," she proposed, "John you have accepted the task of loving one of the most difficult men in the world to love. He's easy to adore, that's certain, but to love him day in and day out, I'm not even up for that task. John, I knew you were a special man when you first met Alexander and that maybe, just maybe you'd be the right person to calm the insatiable mind that dwells in his thick, thick skull, to satisfy the unsatisfiable. May you always be satisfied."

"To the grooms," the audience raised their glasses.

Lafayette stood now, "forgive my English, when we meet Alexander, John was so nervous, we have just started our Sophomore year in college and John and I were attach to the hip, best of friends, no? Here comes Alexander, in our own dormitory, we have two bedroom there, John is supposed to be with Alexander, and myself with mon cher, Hercules. John was so nervous that he sleeps in my bed for the first two months of the semester, finally, I said it was enough, you are my friend, but I need to have some room and I kicked him out, within a month they are together, and now here we are. John has loved you so much since every moment."

Everyone laughed and drank. After dinner, John and Alexander shared their first dance together as a married couple. Eventually they were pulled apart, Angelica with Alex and Eliza with John. Hercules and Lafayette found a dark corner to sit and stare at each other in private.

"I'm so glad you're happy." Angelica told Alexander as they swayed.

"Do you know how much of that I owe to you?"

"More than I'd like to admit. Promise me something."

"What?"

"Be good to him, Alexander, you're too much like me, don't push him away, love him, cling to him."

"I will."

"Can I cut in?" Eliza tapped her sister's shoulder.

"I'll leave you to it," she squeezed Alex a final time and curtseyed dramatically.

"Hi."

"Hi." Alex smiled at her.

"So, what's your next great conquest?"

"What do you mean?"

"Having this checked off your to do list, there's only onward and upward to go, right?"

"You know me too well. Gotta make that W stand for something other than Washington."

"I'm sure the win is already his, he's lucky to have you by his side."

"He's going to be the guy that takes us one step closer to where we need to be."

"We shouldn't be talking about work, go dance with your man, I know you want to. I just wanted you to know how happy I am for you."

Alexander kissed her cheek and went to find his new husband. He found him engaged in conversation with Burr of all people.

"Burr, so glad that you could come." Alexander shook his hand.

"Where else would I be, Hamilton? Such a happy occasion, I had to come and wish you well."

"Surely, you're not here alone?" Alexander clung to John.

"Unfortunately, so."

"Well, I am at least glad that you were able to be here." He checked the mental box of another victory, Burr may have a leg up on him in some places, but he had a lifetime's worth of love.

"I may take my leave, but I certainly wanted to share in your joy."

"Thank you so much for coming." John shook his hand.

Burr gathered his things and took leave.

"How much longer do you think we have to stay?" Alex asked quietly.

"I think we can probably start making the rounds."

"No Irish goodbye?"

"That would be rude to the Washingtons, remember, your boss."

"Good call. Twenty minutes tops.

"Deal."

They parted ways again and said their goodbyes, thanking the Washingtons again for hosting such an extravagant affair. Hercules offered up his car, he could catch a ride with the Schuylers or another attendant. John drove them home, his hand on Alex's thigh.

"I can't get over how good you looked today." John bit his lip and tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

"You're sweet, but we both know that you're the real show stopper."

"Nonsense, baby, that's all you."

The drive took a little over an hour, much of it in traffic, but finally they were home. It was a race up to the apartment. Alexander fumbled the keys with shaky hands. John's lips at his neck while he fidgeted to get the key into the lock.

John was eager to be freed from his fancy garb, feeling unfamiliar with the constricting clothing. He stripped down to his undershirt and boxers, and let his hair loose.

"I'm so hungry." He roared.

"Oh, thank god, me too. Like, yes, I want to totally consummate our vows and all that jazz, but honestly, I'm really fucking hungry." Alex agreed.

"Pizza or Thai?" John was in the kitchen thumbing through the takeout menus.

"Don't care, I'm going to hop in the shower. Whatever you want."

John decided on pizza and flopped onto the couch once the order was placed, it had been a long and wonderful day, but he was exhausted. He could hear Alexander singing in the shower through the closed door and sound of the water.

"You had a few, but not that many, 'cause you're the only one, I'll give you good and plenty. Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, when I was dead broke man, I couldn't picture this…"

John smiled, Alexander only sang in the shower on his best days, it was good to hear. He came out of the bathroom in his pajamas.

"I love those sweatpants on you." John grinned.

"I know. Only the finest wedding night attire for my baby." Alexander flopped on top of him on the sofa.

"Come here and kiss me." John ordered.

"Oh, it would be my pleasure, you know, your whole tank top thing is really doing it for me." Alex squeezed John's bare shoulders.

"Is that so?" John kissed him.

Their proximity was intoxicating, Alexander's hands were greedy, raking through John's hair, grabbing at his hips, running over his chest. They had hardly come up for air since meeting on the sofa until the pizza arrived.

"Yes!" John fist pumped as Alex paid, he hadn't even closed the door before taking a slice.

John took the second slice and they finished the whole thing together.

"You want to take this party to the bedroom?" Alexander asked, tossing the empty box to the floor.

"Absolutely." John giggled.


	10. Chapter 10

**Can't all be happy. Reviews make me smile.**

* * *

"Are you coming to bed?" John asked from the doorframe, sipping a steaming mug of tea, worrying knitting his eyebrows close together.

"No, I showed you the poll numbers, I have to get this work done. I have to make $84,000 appear from somewhere by daybreak." Alexander snapped and sipped his own mug filled with coffee.

"Well, I love you. Come to bed when you're done." John sighed and went to bed.

"I love you, too." Alexander yawned, still not looking up, and put his elbows on the dining table, cradling his head in his hands, the weight of his obligations loomed like the sword of Damocles, ready to crush him.

It was after midnight, this had to stop, in the two months since their wedding, Alexander had already become a failure in his marriage, the Washington campaign was slipping, and all he had were bags under his eyes to show for it.

"I hate myself," he mumbled, picking up his phone, he dialed, and waited as it rang.

"Hamilton, are you aware of the time?" The voice on the other end of the line asked.

"Burr, I know it's late, but two heads are better than one, listen, it's about the campaign, I'm asking you for help, that should flatter you."

"Lucky for you, it intrigues me as much as it flatters me, go on."

 _God, I hate myself,_ "alright, hear me out, the funding situation, we have to get those funds secured by the end of the week at the latest…"

Alexander and Burr talked for nearly two hours before Burr demanded that the conversation be continued after he had slept, "I make no decisions this late after nightfall and so early before daybreak, goodnight, Hamilton."

Alex stretched and took himself to bed. John was curled up fetally, and in his sleep didn't find Alexander. Sleep forced its way to him.

"Good morning." John said curtly in the morning when Alexander got out of bed, he had a pot of coffee ready.

"I'm sorry." Alexander offered.

"I know." John hugged him, but didn't soften into his apology.

"The election's only five months away, then we get our lives back."

"Yep, gotta go, Laf and I are working today."

"Tell him hi for me, I love you."

"I love you, too."

Alexander met with Burr, a continuation of the previous night's discussion. He hated to admit that Burr was smart, in some ways smarter than him, it grated his raw nerves. They were able to solve the problem and secure the funding for Washington. He was late getting home. He was always late getting home lately. Their small apartment was empty, dishes piled in the sink, socks and clutter littered the living room floor. Alex's eyes twitched and he yawned as he sat down to continue his work.

His phone rang.

"Hello."

"God, you're dumb, like so dumb it hurts kind of dumb."

"Thank you, subconscious." Alexander sighed to Angelica.

"Guess where I've been today?"

"Somewhere that's going to mean I'm in trouble."

"Smarter than you seem, dumbass. I've been with Lafayette and John. When's the last time you saw John?"

"This morning."

"No, Alexander, when did you last see him? Not look at him. See him."

Alexander sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "I asked Burr for help. I know I'm fucking up." He only trusted his voice enough to whisper.

"That's a good start, I told you not to be like me. Do better than me, Alex. Have flowers waiting, you're going to need more than you can afford on whatever Washington pays you. He'll be home tonight, and I swear to God almighty if you work tonight I _will_ castrate you myself."

"Understood."

"You are home, aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm home."

They got off the phone and Alexander started planning his grand gesture, though he was too exhausted to make it truly great. Alexander got back with flowers, a bouquet of lilies and sunflowers from the corner store only slightly before John arrived.

"Hi." Alex whispered.

He _saw_ John. He saw the tiredness, the sadness, the loneliness.

"Hi." John answered, sounding hollow.

"Sit, let's talk."

"I don't really have too much to say."

"I do."

"Of course you do." John looked out the window, refusing to meet Alexander's pleading gaze.

"Please, baby, please listen to me, I'm in no place to ask, but please?"

"What? What do you have to say to me? 'Oh, hey, guess what, I quit my job and we're going to Barcelona tomorrow? Everything's fine?' Alexander, I know who I married, this is what our life looks like."

"I didn't quit my job, but I've realized some things, John, some things that are rightfully making me feel very small. I've been neglectful."

"You have." John's bloodshot eyes were rimmed in red.

"My dear, I've been nothing but nerves, letting my fears guide me, not my love for you, and I'm sorry. I've thrown myself at my work, I told myself it was for us, I've been so afraid that my time here has an expiration date, I thought if I worked hard enough, somehow I'd prove myself, prove that I should stay here, stay with you. Washington hasn't been doing as well and I'm so afraid to let him down, I couldn't see that I was letting down the person who means the most to me. Nowhere, no matter how hard I try, it isn't enough."

John nodded and looked at the floor, a tear dampened his jeans as it fell.

"Did you think about doing any of that with me?"

"I didn't want to bother you, it's summer, I know you're able to be more active with the cause in the summer, there's higher turn out at demonstrations. I didn't want to bother you, plus, Lafayette's better at that than me, you already have the best of the best on your side."

"But he's not you."

"What?"

"Alex, have you ever considered not being the very best? Being like the third best? Being really really good, but not so good that you let the rest of your life get sucked away?"

"Not really."

"I know, we wouldn't be here if you did."

"I asked Burr for help." His quiet admission got John to look him in the eyes, both sets glistening.

"You... did what?" John struggled to process what words in that combination meant.

"Last night, I called him, we talked until almost four in the morning, I asked him for help. He's on my team, I should use him."

"You're serious?"

Alexander nodded, "John, I've seen it, I see how much I've been hurting you, I didn't know how to stop it until last night. I never wanted to. I just lost sight."

"I knew our lives weren't going to be easy, I just don't want to miss you."

"I don't either, not anymore. I'm still the campaign manager, but after this, no more. I'll settle down."

"No, you won't. How can I believe that?"

"Because I love you."

"Do you love me now?"

"Yes."

"Did you love me a month ago?"

"John, love, absolutely."

"See, this isn't about love. I've never doubted that you love me, but you love your work more."

"John, I'm changing that. I promise, give me the chance to prove it." Tears streaked his cheeks.

"I'm tired of being lonely."

"I know, love, I am too. I've done it to both of us."

"Can we be miserable together, I think-I'd-like-that-better-than-apart," John broke, his sentence punctuated with sobs.

Alexander held him, "I'd like it better too."

He kissed John's head and rocked him, exhaustion in every fiber of his being, he wanted to be comforted too, he would get his turn later, they would share their burdens.

"Did I do something wrong?" John was muffled by Alex's chest and his own tears.

"No, baby, of course not, this one's on me. I'm the one who's wrong."

"I can be better."

"Shh, you stop that. Let me be better."

Finally, John's shoulders sagged, he had cried himself empty. Alexander had made John's hair damp with tears, he was still crying. John sat up and wiped his face, sniffing. He saw Alex's disquieted countenance.

"My turn." He smiled tiredly and pulled Alexander's head down onto his lap and gently pulled the hair tie holding up Alex's unwashed hair free and stroked his dark locks.

"No, I did the hurting, don't be sweet to me." Alexander whimpered, too exhausted to try and fight to get away from John's soothing presence.

"Together, right?"

"Right." Alexander let himself be taken care of.

John soothed him, and finally he felt better, he felt a tiredness that was more active than the passive, unchangeable sleep deprivation that he forced himself to exist through.

"Let's go to bed." He suggested to John.

"Together?"

"Together, come on." Alexander stood and helped him up.

For the first time in almost a month they went to bed together.


	11. Chapter 11

**Angelinhamilton, Thanks so much for the review! I appreciate the kind words and hope you enjoy the new chapter. That's all for tonight on this one, may be able to crank out another chapter on Like You Need it to Survive. Had a few hours alone tonight.**

"Meds?" John handed Alexander his messenger bag as he rushed through the apartment, late to work.

"What would I do without you?" Alex disappeared into the bathroom and returned.

"Have a good day." John kissed him and straightened the collar of his shirt.

"You too, I'll be home by six, maybe half past."

"I'll see you then. I love you."

"I love you too." Alexander kissed him a second time.

It had been almost five weeks since their talk, Alexander had seen his old psychiatrist and gotten prescribed anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications. He hated being on medication, but knew that things had gotten out of hand. John saw the improvements, it comforted him to see Alexander coming back after thinking he had lost him. John sat on the sofa and launched his favourite news website on their shared laptop to see if anything too terrible had happened in the world overnight. Education spending had been cut yet again, and there was still talk of arming teachers as well as students 18 and over. John shook his head, unable to believe that this was the real world. The day passed quickly for the two men and they were eager to reunite in the evening.

"Hi honey, did you have a good day?" John asked when Alexander walked into their home.

"It was okay, you know, all things considered." Alex looked tired.

"Come sit. I'm all ears."

Alexander sat next to John and swung his legs into John's lap. John rubbed Alex's feet and listened.

"Nothing really, _happened_. More of the same, I just didn't think I'd be back here. I thought meds were something that was behind me, I feel foggy. I thought that since I'd stopped having the panic attacks, it was all a thing of the past, and it's your problem now and, I don't know, I just don't want you to have to deal with all of my brokeness."

"Alexander, this is the least broken you've been in months, you're getting better again, who cares if you take medications, if they mean that I get my Alex back, then I don't care if you have to clear out a whole pharmacy. We knew fog could happen for a while, it should get better."

"I know, I just, I didn't want this to be our lives."

"I love our lives."

"I want so much better for you." Alexander closed his eyes, leaning against the pillows.

"I know what I want, I'm pretty smart, so rest assured that if I say I'm happy, I'm happy. I want you. You are what makes me happy, now do you want to get changed? I told the guys we'd be over by eight."

"I suppose so." Alexander exhaled heavily and found the gumption to stand up.

They readied themselves and hailed a cab to Hercules and Lafayette's apartment, over the last three months they'd become an official couple, though nothing had really changed, they were just as obviously head over heels for each other.

"Welcome, welcome!" Lafayette ushered them inside.

"Thanks for having us." Alexander smiled and hugged him.

"Can I get you gentlemen a drink?"

"Not supposed to." Alex looked at the floor.

"We'll both just have a coke." John wrapped an arm around him. The solidarity was nice.

Hercules stood up and went to the kitchen, there was a sound of liquid sloshing. Three cans cracking open. Hercules and Lafayette returned and handed their friends each a can.

"Did you just pour out your drink?" Alexander asked Hercules.

"Yup. I'm with you, too." He answered and lightly punched Alex's arm.

"I do not waste wine, but my solidarity is with you." Lafayette tipped his glass to Alexander and grinned.

"Thanks, guys." Alex smiled sheepishly.

"You feeling better?" Herc asked.

"Starting to, guess I didn't realize how bad things had gotten, thanks for sticking around."

"Not our first rodeo." Hercules shrugged it off.

"Come, Alexander, I spend too much time with your husband, I want to talk with you, help me with the dinner, mon ami." Lafayette took his hand and pulled him away.

He pushed a bowl for salad into Alex's hands. Alexander started assembling the salad, dinner smelled wonderful.

"This is as bad as the panic attacks?"

"Nous devrions parler en français." Alex bit his lip.

Lafayette's eyebrows twitched curiously, but he responded in his native tongue, "why do you want to speak in French?"

Alexander translated his thoughts to carefully prepare his response, "I had a panic attack at work the other day."

Lafayette set the spoon down and leaned heavily against the refrigerator, "merde."

Alex sighed heavily, responding in French, "I know, I haven't told him yet, scared me. I don't want to scare him, he thinks things are getting better. I think they are too, but it just took me by surprise."

"Why did this happen?"

"I don't even know, if Washington loses this election, we're fucked. Losing the presidential was bad, but these elections matter too."

"No matter what we will be okay."

"Will we? What if they just…"

"Stop being ridiculous, my friend. How bad?"

"It wasn't too bad, but, I'm scared they're back."

"Dinner ready?" Hercules broke through their conversation.

"Soon." Laf answered in English, Herc still barely understood a lick of French.

"No es justo!" John pouted, wrapping his arms around Alexander.

"What isn't fair, my dear one?" Alex nuzzled into the touch.

"You both and your whole, knowing French thing, you make it hard to eavesdrop."

"And so you speak to him in Spanish to leave me further confused?" Laf wagged a finger.

"It's always like this, even when we're in bed, like, bruh, I don't know what you want when you shout in a language I don't know." Hercules rolled his eyes, pulling plates out of the cabinets.

"You can understand from my tone… and body language, that is a language you speak." Laf winked at Hercules.

"Oh, my, wow." John laughed, still not used to how outspoken Lafayette and Hercules had become about their relationship.

They ate their meal and told jokes and stories, enjoying being able to catch up. John felt like Alex may actually be coming back to him. On their walk back to their apartment late that night he had to bring up the conversation between Alex and Laf.

"What don't you want me to know?" His tone was conversational.

"What?" Alex tried to brush it off.

"You and Laf, why were you speaking in French. That means you didn't want me to hear."

"It's just..."

"Together, Alex, remember. We're together in this."

"I had a panic attack at work last week."

"Shit."


	12. Chapter 12

"It's fine. We can figure this out. It's all fine. We have each other and it's fine. It's fine. We're good. It's going to be fine." John paced, manic, his fingers tented under his nose.

"John." Alex's voice was quiet.

"You go back to the psych in two weeks, if things aren't better we'll get your meds changed." He was back in the kitchen.

"John."

"And then they'll get better. They got better this time, why wouldn't they get better again?" Back in the living room.

"John!" Alex stood.

John jumped and froze. Alexander closed the distance between them and enveloped his husband in his arms.

"Babe, it's okay, we're already doing all the right things, it's going to be okay. I'm okay, we're safe."

"Alex, I can't lose you. Not again." He cried against Alex's chest, tears dampening his t shirt.

"Shh, you won't. I'm right here."

"But, what if things get bad?"

"We're stronger than that." Alexander swayed them back and forth, squeezing John tightly.

"It isn't about being strong."

"Baby, baby, it's okay. I'm okay. Look at me, sweetheart. Look here."

John pulled away and looked at Alex, his freckled face was cherry red and wet with snot and tears. Alex thumbed his tears away and smoothed his hair away from his face, rubbing his head and hair soothingly.

"Que te ama?" Alex smiled at him.

"You do." John chewed the inside of his cheek.

"Damn right, I love you. We're gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Not like last time. I'm so much better than last time."

"But…" Tears glistened in John's eyes and clung to his thick lashes.

"But, nothin'. I've got my baby, my friends, my meds. I'm set up for success."

John nodded, flagging from exhaustion, he dropped his head onto Alexander's shoulder.

"Come on, let's get to bed. It'll all look better in the morning. Go brush your teeth, wash the bad day away."

John disappeared into the bathroom and Alex went to the bedroom to start getting ready for bed. After a few minutes John returned looking slightly less careworn.

"There's my baby, come here." Alex motioned to the bed beside him and John - in his t shirt and boxers - sat down.

Alexander braided back John's hair, knowing how soothing it felt to be cared for. He secured the plait and kissed John's cheek.

"Want me to turn off the light?" John asked him.

"I got it, get cozy," Alex stood and turned the light off before snuggling back in bed under the blankets.

John wove his legs through Alex's and curled into his chest.

"I love you."

"Love you too," they kissed and soon exhaustion claimed John.

Alex lie awake listening to him breathe. He picked up his phone, turning the brightness down all the way to try not to disturb John. He drafted a new text message.

 **Ang, it's bad again…**

Almost immediately a buzz.

 **What do you mean? All okay?**

He responded, typing awkwardly with one hand.

 **Yeah, I'm okay, but shit's bad.**

Buzz

 **Need me?**

He sighed.

 **I don't know. I'm messing things up.**

Buzz.

 **On my way. John okay?**

Alexander kissed John's forehead and nudged him back to his side of the bed.

 **Sleeping, text when you get here.**

Alexander quietly got up and shut the door behind him, he put on a fresh pot of coffee. Within twenty minutes another buzz hit his phone.

 **Here**

He unlocked the door and opened it. Angelica wore an expression of concern on her face.

"Hey. Coffee?" Alex offered.

"Probably gonna need it."

He fixed her a cup, dark and sweet like she liked it and left his own unaltered. He handed his friend the mug and sat beside her on the couch.

"So what's up?" she asked, keeping her voice low.

"I had a panic attack last week."

"Damn."

"At work."

"Shit."

"I told John."

Angelica sighed into her coffee.

"Did that go about as well as I think it did?"

"Inconsolable?"

"Yup."

"What happened?"

He thought about it, staring into the black pool in his mug hoping that it might reveal some answers.

"I don't even know. Lee's doing really well which is making everyone in the office nervous, Burr's been all up in my shit, I need him, and I hate that I need him. I just… these last couple months…"

Angelica nodded, "you're not…"

Alexander put a hand on her thigh, "no! God, no, not at all, no. Not even a little bit."

"Would you tell me?"

"I would tell you."

"Promise?" She set her jaw, remembering how bad things had been in the past.

"I promise."

"How are the meds going?"

Alexander nodded, looked away, eyes running over framed pictures of him and John from the wedding, blurred with tears.

"Alexander?"

He chewed hard on the inside of his cheek and knit his eyebrows together and set his coffee mug on the table.

"Alexander?"

He broke, tears spilling over his cheeks. Angelica set her own mug down and swathed him in her arms and let him cry like he had done with John only a few hours earlier.

"I can't think straight. I can barely write. I feel like I'm asleep."

She squeezed him tighter, "Alex, honey, you're still adjusting, you know these things take time, be gentle with yourself."

He nodded into her neck, "I _am_ scared."

"I know, I know you are."

"What am I gonna do, angelita?"

"Fight, Alex, it's what you do best."

His voice was a whisper in her ear, "I'm too tired."

"Then I'll put my gloves on too."

"Fuck. Why does it have to feel so hard?"

"I don't know, love. I don't know why the world has been so mean to you, but you've got John and me, Lafayette and Herc, Eliza, Peg, the Washingtons. We're all here for you, even if you can't be there for yourself."

"I have to be strong. I've hurt John so much."

"Even the strongest people get to take a break sometimes."

"How is this our lives? How did I do this to John? Why did he agree to this?"

"There aren't any answers that will soothe you. Don't waste your time on that."

Alex cried himself out and drained his cold coffee.

"I'm sorry I drug you into this."

"I'll take any sleepless night if it means I get to make sure you're okay."

"Thank you."

"Have you thought about therapy?"

"Yeah, we don't have that kind of money, though, our insurance is so shit."

"Can I help you?"

"Ang, you don't have that kind of money either."

"We can figure it out."

"You're sweet, but it's okay. I'll be alright."

Alexander took a deep, shuddering breath and steadied himself.

"You need to go to bed."

He wiped his face, "I'm not sleeping."

"Try, Alex. Don't be your biggest enemy."

"I don't want you to be out there alone, it's really late."

"I can just crash here. Be here if you need me. Got a scarf or something?"

"Yeah, let me hook you up, you left one in your drawer under the sink. Toothbrush and underwear too."

"Sure those aren't John's?"

"Shut up."

"Good night, boo, I love you." She kissed his cheek.

"I love you, too."

Alexander crawled in bed next to John and wrapped himself around his husbands sleeping form and whispered admissions of love before he was finally able to fall asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you for the reviews, I really appreciate them, they motivate quicker turn around and more writing, so keep 'em coming if you like where this is going. More fluff, because sad, squishy Alex needs some good.**

John woke up before Alexander and was relieved to remember that it was Saturday, he snuggled up to Alex, breathing him in. Being able to cuddle and laze about was a treat, even on days without rigidly scheduled plans Alexander typically leapt into action and started whatever project he was transfixed on. The smell of food cooking wafted from their neighbours apartment, it made him hungry, but he curled closer to Alex who even in sleep looked pensive.

John watched his chest rise and fall as he slept, hoping that he'd found at least some peace in his dreams that his waking life did not afford him. Things were bad again, but they were a united front. It wasn't Alexander shutting him out like he'd done a few months ago, and it wasn't Alexander hiding things from him like he had during the beginning of their courtship. They were a team. They would get through it together. The smell of food was so close, he heard the clatter of pans and realized that it wasn't coming from the neighbours.

"What the…" he whispered to himself and got up, careful not to disturb Alexander.

He opened the door and poked his head out, looking around the corner he saw Angelica, facing the stove and wearing Alex's clothes, her hair wrapped in a scarf like a crown. He shut the door behind him.

"Hey, Ang." He leaned against the wall behind her.

She jumped and pulled out her earbuds, "hey, John, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I just wanted to make you guys breakfast."

"It's all good, but, uh, you're here, in my house, making me breakfast." John tried to put the pieces together.

"Alex texted me last night after you were asleep." She turned the spatula over in her hands.

"How bad is it?"

She took a deep breath, "I don't think it's good, but it isn't like last time. I don't think we need to go full 'lock up the sharps' or anything, but I don't think it's good."

John frantically ran his tongue along the inside of his teeth and nodded, "he's supposed to be the strong one, y'know? I'm not as good at this." Tears welled in the corners of his eyes.

"You're perfect, more importantly is you're perfect for him. You don't have to be strong either. Jesus, what is it with you boys and this being strong bullshit?" she squeezed his hand.

"Deeply ingrained patriarchal ideology?"

"Must be, but you can be broken down too."

John shook his head, "someone has to get the groceries, wash the dishes, make dinner."

Angelica sighed, realizing his point was valid.

"Well, I'm making you breakfast, we'll go from there. Now go wake him up, food's ready."

"Thank you for always saving us."

"Miss me with your feelings," she feigned disgust at being praised and dropped his hand.

John laughed her off and poured a cup of coffee before he returned to the bedroom to wake Alexander up, "good morning, love." He sat on the edge of the bed.

Alexander's eyes fluttered, "hi."

"Breakfast is ready."

"Just give me a minute."

"Of course, love, here's your coffee." He set it on the bedside table and kissed Alex's temple before leaving the room.

"Okay, okay, you can do this. Sit up, drink coffee. Be human." Alexander quietly willed himself.

He couldn't find it in him to move.

"Come on." He told himself.

Slowly, grudgingly, he sat up and took the steaming mug in his hands, he sipped the coffee. Halfway there. He forced himself to stand and joined John and Angelica in the kitchen.

"Morning, sunshine." Angelica cheered, sitting at the table.

"Morning." Alex yawned, wiping his eyes.

"Sleep okay?" she asked, sounding slightly more than conversational.

Alexander shrugged and sat down.

"This is amazing, Angie." John hummed into his food.

Angelica wasn't the greatest cook, but she had made them bacon and eggs with crispy, fried potatoes and it smelled heavenly, Alexander stared at the plate she'd made him and mentally bargained with himself to be hungry. He picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite, not really tasting it. He swallowed and took another bite, feeling watched, observed, by his loved ones. They carried on in conversation while Alexander's internal conflict roiled him.

"Right, Alex?" Hearing John say his name brought his attention back.

"Sorry, what?"

"Modern slavery is an product of gentrification." John repeated.

"Oh, uh, yeah, definitely an extension of the white ideology that believes that minorities can be liberated by increasing the cost of living in an established neighborhood, forcing the traditions and closed system to move or be permanently altered. It's a modern version of the white westward expansion that led to the trail of tears and forced indigenous people to live on reservations."

"He lives!" Angelica cackled, faking mad scientist.

"Nothing like a good Hamilton rant." John agreed and squeezed his thigh.

They finished breakfast, Alexander leaving most of his untouched.

"You guys have plans today?" Angelica asked.

"Not really, no." John shrugged.

"It's nice out today, how about a last hurrah at the beach? We could all use the sunshine." She offered.

"That sounds amazing." John agreed.

"I should probably get some work done." Alexander countered.

"Then bring your notebook. Let's rally the troops."

John started packing a cooler as Angelica called her sisters and their friends.

"Alright, we're all meeting at my place in an hour." She clapped excitedly.

John had already changed into his swimwear, long trunks and a light coral t shirt, he'd packed a backpack with clean clothes and towels for both him and Alex.

"Get dressed, babe. Let's go have some fun." John whispered to Alexander.

Alex obliged and changed into a similar outfit to John's, he took his morning pills and rejoined Angelica and John as they set off on their adventure. Angelica's apartment screamed bachelor pad, she had a collection of empty takeout boxes and records scattered about as her only decorations. Underwear and other clothing littered the floor, she disappeared to change and hollered for the boys to answer the door when it buzzed. The other Schuyler girls arrived and began squealing about the last day at the beach. Cooler nights were here and they were the harbinger of a chilly fall, but they could still enjoy the warm, sunny day. Lafayette and Hercules finally arrived and they all departed.

"Got some good fucking news." Hercules was animated, leaning into the circle of friends on the subway car.

"Oh?" John was inquisitive.

Lafayette beamed excitedly.

"Sex scandal, it's bad too, apparently Lee coerced a chick and is blackmailing her."

Alex's eyes lit up, "no shit?"

"No fuckin' shit!" Herc pumped a fist.

"We can make this go viral. I can tweet about it." Alex was more animated than he'd been in a week.

"I thought you did not tweet." Lafayette quirked an eyebrow.

"Well, _I_ don't, I use a fake name."

"But I thought you said that twitter was a waste of time?"

John sighed and shook his head, "that ship sailed when they doubled the character limit, now I can't keep, 'William Publius' off of it."

"Oh, my, that is your name?"

Alexander smiled, looking proud of himself. On the subway ride Hercules spent time filling Alex in on all of the gritty details he knew of the affair, it sounded like it was pretty ugly. They arrived at their stop and paired off into couples, the Schuyler girls walking together and chatting, Lafayette and Hercules holding hands and walking in lockstep, John and Alex's arms slung around each other's waists. They strolled down to the beach and set up their blankets and umbrellas. Alex lie beneath the umbrella and got his notebook out to begin working. Everyone else rushed to the water's edge and started splashing. John crouched down to Alexander and whispered a plea to join them and have fun.

"I just need to write some things down, then I will, let me empty out my brain a little, then I'll come play."

John kissed his nose and joined their friends, tying his hair up into a messy bun. Alexander lie on the blanket, pen moving in furious strokes across his notebook. He felt reinvigorated with the news about Lee. Like he would actually be able to help Washington secure the victory. He felt like he could breathe again and enjoyed watching the people he cared about having a good time in the water. He finished a bulleted action plan for making the scandal go viral and put his notebook away, took his shirt off and walked down to the water's edge.

"Alex!" They all whooped.

The water was warm and felt like home. He sat in the shallows, the water up to his collarbones, dampening the ends of his hair like a paintbrush. John moved to sit beside him and leaned his head on Alex's shoulder. They all talked and splashed.

"Let's play chicken fight!" Hercules suggested.

"Yes!" Angelica got an evil glint in her eye.

"Teams?" Lafayette asked.

"I'll referee," Peggy sounded dejected as she realized that they had an uneven number.

"Me and Eliza, John and Alex, Herc and Laf?" Angelica supposed.

"I'll be the bottom." Hercules stood in the water, walking deeper.

"That's a first." Lafayette said goadingly.

"Oh, my God," Hercules rolled his eyes, the three ladies giggled, "we'll take the winner."

"Alex?" John offered his shoulders and Alexander climbed on.

"Ooh, let me at him, any excuse to whoop Alex's ass." Angelica scrambled onto her sister's shoulders.

The teams swung wildly at each other attempted to knock their opponents off the back of their teammates. Alexander reached for Angelica, John struggling to keep his footing, giggled at Eliza who kept her head tilted to stay out of the water with the height difference between John and herself. Angelica lunged at Alex, missing, Alex took her missed opportunity to shove her back, Eliza gripped her sisters thighs, wobbling at the weight shift, trying to stay upright, she spat out a mouthful of water. Angelica flapped her hands at Alex who dodged her attempts to grapple him and used her force against her, this time managing to knock her into the water with a satisfying splash.

"No fair!" Angelica waded toward Peggy.

Lafayette clambered onto Herc's shoulders and thrust a fist into the air, "on ne passe pas!"

"Really, Gandalf, is this World War One?" Alex teased, laughing at the French battle cry.

Lafayette had a height advantage and used his long arms to try and grapple Alexander who karate chopped his side. Laf let out a squeal and shoved Alex who squeezed John's head between his legs to stay upright. Alexander grabbed a fistful of Lafayette's bushy hair, earning admonishment from Peggy to keep it fair and clean.

Lafayette clawed at Alex and finally dismounted him from John's shoulder with a finesse that only he possessed.

"Vive la France!" Lafayette cheered as Alexander surfaced, looking like a wet cat.

The seven of them clambered back to the beach and lie down on the blankets letting the sun dry them. John braided Alexander's wet hair and laughed at how sad and damp he looked, sulking in their defeat.

"We'll get you next time." Alex challenged, a glint in his eye.

"You can try." Lafayette smirked.

They rummaged in the cooler, finding snacks and ate and relaxed, gently snoozing when the conversation lulled.

"Alright, I'm too hot, who's coming with me?" John said, standing up.

Alex followed, along with the sisters, Lafayette and Hercules too content to be cuddled up to one another to move.

The five of them splashed each other in the water and laughed. John took mental pictures of Alex enjoying himself. It was a perfect day. The sun started to dip down, chilling the air. They retreated from the salty water and wrapped themselves in towels. Angelica and Eliza walked down the beach collecting wood to start a fire. Alexander shivered into John's side.

"Do you think they'd deliver pizza out here?" Hercules mused.

"Probably." John decided.

"We should make that happen. I'm hungry."

John started an order on his phone, amused to find out that there was indeed delivery to the beach. The girls returned with armfuls of wood. Peggy arranged it into a small pile and started the fire. Alexander scrambled impossibly close to it. As the sun went down the fire grew bigger, and their pizza arrived. Lafayette tipped the driver generously. They sat on the their blankets, covered in sand, hair drying, skin salty, warmed by the fire, eating pizza and telling stories.

"This has been an amazing day." John smiled.

"Agreed. Way to go, angelita!" Alex raised his bottle of water, and leaned back into John's chest.

They talked around the fire late into the night before parting ways and going home.

"Thank you for coming today." John whispered on the train.

"Thank you for getting me out of my head."

"I had fun with you. You're my best friend."

"You're mine, love." Alex tipped his chin back and kissed John.

John smiled into the kiss, grateful that for right now, things were okay.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you so much for the reviews, I really appreciate them and they do make me want to work faster. Light triggers, mention of suicidal inclination, nothing graphic.**

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"Big day, today." Alexander sighed, taking the cup of coffee that John offered him.

"Yup, you're both going to do fine."

"I hope so."

Alex got dressed, wearing a plaid blue button down under a sport coat with slim fit gray pants.

"Do I need a tie?"

"Wear my solid charcoal one." John shouted back.

Alex's usually nimble fingers trembled as he tried to tie it. He threw it to the ground and then felt stupid, bent down to retrieve it and stalked into the kitchen, "help?"

He held the tie out to John who made quick work of tying it and adjusting it in place.

"Beautiful. We'll all be watching. I'm so proud of you." John squeezed him.

"Here goes." Alexander gathered his messenger bag and coffee and was off.

The final debate between Washington and Lee was taking place that night, Alex had been working furiously for the past week to make sure that everything was prepped for the meeting, even though he wouldn't be the one on stage, his performance would be reflected.

John worked with Lafayette, trying to make 7 o'clock hurry. They were working together to plan the next phase of the movement and had a whiteboard with potential hashtags on it in the living room and were eating takeout. John struggled to stay focused.

"Is Alexander excited?" Laf asked, twisting noodles around his chopstick.

"You know him, he's nervous as hell. If he was the one debating, then of course he'd be excited, but since it's Washington, he's a mess."

"How has the last week been?"

"Great, if I was the kind of person who liked having the bed to myself."

Lafayette sighed and pursed his lips, "only two months are left."

"Do you really think that will make things better?"

"I cannot know for sure, but certainly it has to help."

"Hope you're right, Laf."

At six they cleaned up their piles, Hercules was at the debate with Lee's team, but Angelica and her sisters arrived. Lafayette opened bottles of wine and set snacks out. They turned the television to the news channel broadcasting the debate. A pretty newscaster blathered on about the debate, only a half hour separated them from the start. John tucked his chin onto his knees and chewed his thumb nail.

"It will be fine." Lafayette perched on the sofa beside him and wrapped his friend in a hug, he could feel John's heart racing.

"Get me a glass of wine?"

"Of course, mon cher." Laf squeezed him and retreated into the kitchen to get them glasses of wine. Eliza adorned the other arm of the couch and Peggy and Angelica sat on the floor in front of her. Lafayette returned with two glasses of bloody red wine. John smiled and sipped it.

After the next commercial break Washington and Lee stood on opposite sides of the stage behind their respective podiums.

"He looks good." Eliza's voice was gentle.

"Lee looks like a freakshow." Angelica laughed.

John moaned and chugged another swig of wine. Lafayette petted John's hair, "it will be fine."

The two men on stage shook hands and the debate began.

"What's the point? Everyone already knows who they're voting for." Peggy complained.

"Peg, shut up." Angelica elbowed her sister.

George had the opportunity to answer the question first, the proposed resolve to gun control, his response was level-headed and tempered, John could hear Alexander's words coming out of his mouth. Lee's response was far more flashy, empty promises that were softened by money from gun-toting backers.

The group munched on snacks and got lightly buzzed off the wine and beer. John loosened up after his third glass. The debate spanned the better part of two hours. It was winding down when John's phone buzzed, it was Alex, he answered it, surprised that he was calling before the end of the debate.

"Babe? He's doing great!" John answered.

"Hi John, this is Aaron… Burr. Hamilton's okay, but he passed out. He's being taken to Presbyterian. I haven't talked to Washington, but I need to stay here. I knew you'd want to know."

John gulped.

"Thank… Thank you for telling me, I'm on my way."

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news."

"No, don't, it's fine. Thank you."

John lowered his phone, not bothering to disconnect the call.

"Alex is in the hospital." His voice was low.

Four sets of eyes stared at him.

"What happened?" Laf tilted his head like a puppy.

"He passed out."

"He's okay?" Angelica's brows knitting together.

"Yeah, he's in an ambulance."

The debate continued seamlessly on the television.

"Let's go." Lafayette put his jacket on and handed John's to him.

"We're coming, too." Angelica was halfway out the door, her sisters gathered their things.

John stared at Lafayette, trusting him to know what to do next. Lafayette guided him down to the street, the Schuylers took a separate cab.

"It's okay, mon cher, he's fine." Lafayette whispered, holding John's hand tightly, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.

"Do you think he…?" John couldn't will himself to finish the sentence.

"We will find out soon enough. Do not fret. He is okay."

John stared out the window of the cab, bunching his lips to one side of his face, tears gathering in his long lashes. Lafayette continued to whisper to him, trying to keep him calm. He feared the worst.

Lafayette's phone buzzed incessantly from his pocket. Hercules.

 **Ham's in the hospital**

Laf's long fingers got to work texting him back.

 **Just dropped right there, he stood up to get something and then was on the ground. Lee just lost. It's glorious.**

"Hercules says that Alex stood up very quickly and passed out. See, he is going to be okay. And, Lee lost the debate."

John nodded, acknowledging the information. The ride to the hospital drug slowly on, he spent most of it trying not to cry. Lafayette held his hand reassuringly for the duration of the ride. At the hospital John sprung from the cab, Lafayette threw a bill too large by two increments at the driver and followed after him.

"Hamilton, H-A-M-I-L-T-O-N." John told the woman at the desk.

"First name?"

"Alexander."

"Right, okay, he's still being evaluated, so take a seat and the doctor will call you when he's ready."

"I can't see him now?"

"I'm sorry, not just yet."

Dejected John nodded and flopped into a chair. Lafayette sat next to him. The Schuylers arrived shortly after and flanked him.

After forty five minutes of waiting a doctor emerged through the automated double doors.

"Hamilton?" The doctor said, John picked his head off of Eliza's shoulder and stood, closing the distance to the doctor.

"You're the husband?"

John nodded.

"It seems that Alexander was dehydrated, had low blood sugar, heart palpitations, and fatigue, these symptoms combined to make him lose temporary consciousness. He's stable and fine now, but he said some things that worried our psychiatrist."

His heart sank as the doctor continued.

"Alexander is on depression and anxiety medication, during triage he did say that he's had thoughts of harming himself and it was the decision of the resident psychiatrist to hold him for 72 hours. He's on board with this decision and it is a voluntary hold."

"Can I see him?"

"You can, only two people can go back at a time, he's lucky to have quite the entourage."

"Thanks, doc."

John nodded to Lafayette to join him, he squeezed his shoulder on the walk back to Alex's room.

"Mr. Hamilton, got some folks awful excited to see you." the doctor pulled the curtain back.

"Alex," John flung himself at the bed and held his husband.

"Hi, baby, I'm sorry." Alex sounded far away.

Lafayette sat in the chair in the room trying to give them privacy.

"It's okay, mi cielito, I love you, I'm so glad you're okay." He crawled fully into the too-small bed, careful around the IV in Alexander's arm.

"I'm fine, just, not taking care of myself. They're keeping me."

"I know, just for a couple days."

"I don't really want to… do anything, but I'm scared… of myself."

"Then you're right where you need to be."

"Hey, Laf, thanks for taking care of my baby."

"Of course, Alexander, you just need to feel better."

"That's the goal."

"Would you like me to get Angelica?"

"She's here? Fuck. Yeah, probably ought to, thanks again."

"My pleasure, feel better soon." He patted Alex's shin through the thin, scratchy blanket.

"Alex, sweetheart, why didn't you eat?"

"Too nervous."

"Drink anything?"

"Sometimes I forget coffee isn't water."

"It's quite the opposite."

"Well, yeah, I know that."

"You don't really want to hurt yourself?"

"No, but I need to reset. This isn't anything like it was. Promise, I just need to get myself together, just a couple of days."

Angelica appeared through the curtain, "hey, dummy, you okay?"

"Always."

"I'm already hatching a plan for your jailbreak."

"Cake with a file?"

"Oh, please, that's so pedestrian."

The friends smiled, John curled tighter to Alexander, hating that he already smelled like hospital.

"They're gonna kick us out soon." Angelica sighed, "give you guys a minute."

"Night, thanks for everything."

"Night, buddy, I love your face."

"Love yours more."

"I'm gonna stay with Lafayette and Herc. I can't sleep in our bed knowing you're here."

"That's a good plan. You do whatever you need, and hey, call me if you want to, since I'm here of my own free will they let me have phone calls and visitors and all that jazz, so I'll be right here whenever you want me."

"I'll come back tomorrow."

"I can't wait."

They kissed, softly, tenderly. John relished in the kiss, was grateful for it. Alexander caressed his face, wishing he could comfort him and stop the silent tears, wishing more that he wasn't the cause.

"Good night, mi amor." Alex hugged him tightly.

"Love you." John forced himself to leave, the nurses smiled empathetically as he walked through the wing and through the double doors.

The group looked tired, they stood and enveloped him, Angelica's eyes looked sharp and black, whereas Eliza's betrayed that she had been crying.

"Can I go home with you?" John asked Lafayette.

"Of course, come."

"Good night guys." The Schuylers took turns hugging them.

"Let's go home, mon cher." Lafayette escorted him outside and into a waiting taxi.

John sat in the taxi and tucked a knee up, holding himself.

"Do you want to talk?"

John shook his head.

They rode in silence to Lafayette and Herc's apartment, John followed him inside and into the elevator, in the mirrored doors he caught his reflection, he looked rough.

"Hey, guys." Hercules greeted them, pecking a kiss on Laf's cheek and clapping a hand on John's back.

"John, do you want to go get ready for bed?"

He nodded.

"Do you want some pjs?" Herc offered.

A shrug.

"Mon chou, go get him something soft." Lafayette instructed to Hercules, who disappeared into their bedroom.

John went to the bathroom to wash his face, tear tracks stained his cheeks, his eyelashes clung together, his hair was a mess. He changed into the clothes that Hercules gave him.

"Do you want to sleep with me?" Lafayette asked, he'd changed into his own comfortable clothing.

"No, I don't want Hercules to be alone."

"Oh, please, not the first time, won't be the last, besides, a night without his hair in my mouth and nose sounds like heaven."

"Good night, my love." Laf kissed his boyfriend and smacked his backside as he shuffled to the guest room that had been his for years. He guided John to the larger bedroom.

John hurried under the blanket, a luxurious, heavy duvet that felt like a hug. Lafayette turned the lights off and curled up with his friend.

"Just like old times." John mused.

"Except, at least now you are not hiding from Alexander."

"Hey, I wasn't hiding."

"You literally would not sleep in your own room."

"I… might have been hiding."

"It's okay because now you are his forever."

At the reminder of forever, which constantly felt shorter and shorter John burst into silent, hot tears. Laf held him closer and hushed him, letting him cry himself to sleep.

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 **Before I get the questions, Laf and John are purely platonic, I just like the idea of normalizing affection between friends - especially males - and my Lafayette is just a cuddly kind of guy. Who wouldn't want Laf to console them? Thanks for reading.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Content Warning: Explicit talk of suicide attempts.**

 **Thank you for the reviews, please keep them coming, it really does keep me writing. Enjoy!**

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The bed was empty when John woke up. He came to and realized that everything was real, and stood, stretching the muscles that stress had left clamped in his sleep before padding out to the living room. Hercules and Laf were cuddled up on the couch watching the news.

"Good morning, did you sleep okay?" Lafayette smiled warmly.

John just shrugged.

"Come, sit, cher. We are just watching television." He patted the side of the couch and John sat down, wrapping himself in the throw blanket.

"What time is it?" John's voice hoarse with sleep.

"Just after eight. We can go visit at nine, would you like that?"

"Yes, please. I want to stop home first, get us some things."

"Of course, do you want to go by yourself?"

He shook his head and chewed his cheek.

"I will come with you."

"I should get to the office. This shit's really cramping my style." Hercules got up, disentangling himself from Lafayette.

"Go and console your fallen hero after his crushing defeat." Lafayette championed fakely.

John pulled his shoes on, not bothering to change out of the baggy clothes Laf had given to him, and they set out to his and Alex's place. Even though it had only been a day, their apartment felt abandoned and empty. It lacked the smell of coffee and the sounds of their laughter. John packed a backpack for himself with clothing and his laptop, and another for Alexander, putting his favourite joggers and sweatshirt in it, as well as four notebooks and the pens he knew were Alex's preferred implements and his shower gel and hair products, anything to keep him from smelling like hospital. He packed Alex's headphones and phone charger and turned the lights off.

Lafayette let John go back to visit Alexander alone, gym bag slung across his body.

"Hey, you." Alex looked up from the napkin he was scribbling on.

"Hi, brought you some stuff."

"Thank you. This gown is only slightly better than the fancy clothes I came in. Your tie's over there in the windowsill."

"I'm not worried about it, mi amor. I brought you notebooks, too."

"That's why I married you." Alex laughed, things felt hollow but light, he knew how to keep John grounded.

"Not for my ass?"

"Well, maybe there's a few reasons I married you."

With the lights on John could see the purple kiss of a bruise on Alexander's forehead and another under his chin that he hadn't noticed the night before.

"What's this?" John swiped a thumb lightly over the skin.

"I hit a desk on my way down; never do anything small, it's the Hamilton way."

"That's the truth. Does it hurt? No concussion?"

"I'm okay, it's a little tender, but no biggie."

Alex pulled clothes out of the bag and slipped the open gown off. He looked small, frail even, his ribs shadowy under his skin, his boxer briefs hung on his hip bones. John wondered how he hadn't noticed.

"Do you need anything else?"

"Nah, they're treating me okay. Food sucks, though. I want you to make biscuits and gravy when I get home, and fried chicken, and pastelón."

John laughed, excited to see Alexander's appetite, John was notoriously a better cook than Alex and had taught him to love the southern staples he'd grown up with, their shared Puerto Rican heritage an added bonus.

"I'll make you whatever you want as long as you come back home to me."

"What are you guys doing today?" Now dressed he sat back on the bed, John beside him, tracing the bandaid on the inside of his arm where the IV had been.

"I dunno, I'm sure Laf's already on Project: Keep John Busy."

"Good, do something fun. Watch all of the shitty TV shows I hate."

John stuck his tongue out at Alexander's teasing, "too bad I can't fool around with you in a hospital."

"Another reason for me to come back home."

They sat and talked for awhile, Alexander reassuring John that everything would be okay.

Alex looked at the clock, "I gotta go to therapy, they're going to come harass me soon. Call me later?"

"Will do. Have a good session."

"Love you, querido."

"Love you, too." John left after a final kiss.

"Ready, Alex?" his nurse poked her head in.

"Yup," he smiled and followed the portly black woman down the hall, feeling silly walking around in socks.

The therapist's office was a floor down, and dressed with mahogany tones. She introduced herself as Kelly and took Alex back into a smaller room, he sat in an oversized armchair, pulling his legs up criss cross.

"Okay, Alexander, is that what you like to be called?"

"Alexander, Alex, Hamilton, whatever." He shrugged.

"So what's going on, I read your chart, but I'd like to hear things in your words."

"I don't know. A lot of pressure at work, and I just got married not too long ago, I guess some of it's chemical. I can handle the chemical part, but everything just stacked up too high, I think."

"Congratulations on getting married. You're George Washington's campaign manager, is that right?"

"That's right."

"That's a lot of pressure. I hear he did really well last night."

"I didn't get to see the end, but he won apparently."

"That's gotta make you feel good. Let's talk a little bit more about your history."

Alex folded his hands in his lap.

She continued, "you immigrated here?"

"I was born in Puerto Rico, my mom and I had to move after a… hurricane."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's okay. It happens."

"Was your father with you?"

"I don't really know him."

She nodded, "and according to your chart, it says your mother passed away when you were…"

"Fourteen."

"Fourteen, that's a tough age."

Alexander laughed weakly, "yeah, my grandmother took me in, she… she died too, so I lived with my cousin… but he committed suicide… I found him."

Kelly looked apologetic, "that's a lot of trauma."

"Yeah, I forget how it sounds out loud sometimes, it's just part of my story, but it's… a lot. I graduated high school and started college at Columbia. That's where I met my husband."

"That's pretty sweet, you guys have been together a long time?"

"Six years, we met our Sophomore year."

"Let's talk about college, it says in your chart that that's when things really intensified for you."

Alex let out a heavy breath, "yup."

"What was that like?"

"My senior year. John and I had been together… almost two years. I was working almost full time, had an internship, 21 credits, and I was the treasury of the student council. I kind of cracked."

Kelly's eyes widened at the list of things that Alexander had taken on in college.

"That's a lot to juggle. So when you say you 'cracked' what did that look like?"

"I… uh… I tried to kill myself. It seemed like the thing to do, I'd seen it with my cousin, and I just felt so overwhelmed." Subconsciously his fingers flitted over the puckered skin of the scars on his wrists.

"So, you tried to kill yourself during senior year?"

"That's right. John and my friends found me and got me to the hospital. I slit my wrists and took pills. They sewed me up and pumped my stomach." He thought back to that night.

 _The pills were lined up on the vanity, he swallowed them one at a time. The entire bottle left from having his wisdom teeth out. He felt heavy, nothing hurt, he felt nothing when he opened his wrists, watching curiously as blood curtained his arms._

 _There was knocking at the door. It sounded so far away. White hazed his vision._

 _Crashing._

 _Towels on his arms._

 _John crying._

 _Lafayette barking orders._

 _Hercules on the phone._

 _Lafayette carrying him._

 _Stretcher._

 _John's face in the lights of the ambulance._

 _Vomiting._

 _Stitches._

 _Vomiting._

 _John crying._

 _Vomiting._

 _Acrid smells._

 _Angelica yelling at him._

 _Lafayette pulling John away from him._

 _All white rooms, no shoe laces._

 _Check under your tongue, "well done."_

 _John visiting._

 _Angelica smelled like coconut oil when she hugged him._

 _John's drawings on the walls._

 _No pens allowed._

 _No pens. No pens. No pens._

 _Writing letters to John in pastels._

 _Writing letters to himself in pastels._

 _Going home._

 _Missed finals._

 _Make up work._

 _Kind teachers._

 _Passing grades._

 _Lost internship._

 _Lost job._

 _John crying._

 _Moved into a studio together._

 _Graduation._

 _Cap and gown._

 _Smiling in pictures._

 _Kissing John at the party._

 _Things got better._

"Thank you for sharing. So you believe that your panic attacks led you to feel this way in the past?"

Alex wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. "I feel like when the panic gets worse, I start to like fade into it. I get compulsive and I start to feel really hopeless, really grey."

"What coping skills do you use when you feel the panic starting?"

"I don't really notice until it's too late and I'm already panicking."

They talked about coping skills and identifying the triggers of his panic to be able to de-escalate it before it got too bad and the session ended.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Alexander."

"Thanks." He was escorted back to his room, Angelica sat waiting for him on the foot of the bed.

"Angelita."

"Hey, killer. How's it going in here?"

Alex flopped on the bed, his face puffy from crying.

"Tough session with the therapist. Hope you weren't waiting too long."

"Nah, all good. Hard time?"

"Talked about college."

"Yeah… that sucked."

"Yeah. I'm really sorry I put you through that."

"I'm sorry you went through it, you know I'd walk through fire for you, Alex."

"I didn't even mean to get myself thrown in here, I shouldn't have said any-"

"Alexander. Don't be stupid, if there's even a chance, then this is right where you need to be."

"I mean, it's not even like I really wanted to do anything. I'm just feeling squeezed."

"You've got a lot going on, you gotta stop doing this to yourself."

"Just one more month."

"What are you gonna do in the meantime?"

"Practice coping skills the therapist taught me."

"Good start."

"And, not take anything else on."

"Good. What about after the election? I know how hard change is on you."

"Yeah, I'm a little nervous about that. If I wasn't gonna be unemployed already, after this little stunt, it's a guarantee that I'll be unemployed, but I'll figure something out."

"Give Washington a little more credit than that, will ya? He's always done right by you, and I know mental health is one of his big platforms. This could actually be good for you."

"Lee's probably having a fucking field day, am I in the papers?"

"I don't know, it's not like you were the one on camera."

"I know, but still. This could hurt George. I could have sabotaged everything I've worked so hard for."

"Dude, have some chill. You got yourself in here for freaking out, coping skills time."

Alexander nodded and took a deep breath, held it for a count of five and let the breath out in a puff.

Angelica did it with him a few more times.

"Okay, I'm good. Thank you, I'm okay."

He let his breathing return to normal.

"I need to head out here soon, band practice tonight."

"That's cool, thanks for hanging out with me."

"No problem, be good."

She ruffled his hair and slung her leather jacket back on.

The hospital phone rang, he answered it, "hello?"

"Alexander?" Washington's authoritative voice.

"Washington, hi, I'm... so sorry."

"Alexander, stop. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, did I make a fool of us? I hope I didn't embarrass you, sir."

"Alex, that's enough, son. You are like family to Martha and I. Your wellbeing is my primary concern."

Alexander crinkled his nose at Washington's paternal instincts.

"Well, I'm fine. But, listen, I know that you probably don't want me to work on your staff anymore and I get it, but-"

"Nonsense, after last night we're up in the polls, by a great deal, too. Wait until you see the support you're getting. You're my right hand, I can't do this with you on the bench. Aaron is running operations until you're back on your feet, but he's no Hamilton. I need you, son. But we need you well, John needs you wel, that's your priority. Your job is waiting just as soon as you're ready for it. I'd like to come visit."

Alexander gave him the room number and told him that it was unnecessary, that George had already done too much to help him.

After he got off the phone the room was too quiet. He could hear the activity at the nurses station, but his room was empty and shadowy, the small bed too hard and the blankets too scratchy. He wanted to be home. This was motivation to get better, even though he hated it, quietly resenting himself for saying the shit that got him locked up in the first place he knew it was the right place to be. He let out a few silent tears and picked up the hospital phone to call John.

"This is John." He sounded tinny on the crappy plastic phone, sounding professional since he wouldn't have recognized the hospital number.

"Hi," his voice was a tear choked whisper, he cleared his throat and tried again, "hi, baby, it's me."

"Hi, sweetheart. You okay?"

"I want to come home, Jack." He swallowed a sob.

"I know, love, I know. I want you home with me, just a little longer. Talk to me. How was your day?"

"Kind of hard. I had a really tough therapy session, brought a lot to the surface, but Angelica came and visited… And Washington called, he's doing really well in the polls and I'm probably not even going to get fired,"

"That's great news, I never thought you'd get fired."

"We'll see, how was your day?"

"Laf did the _Laf thing_ and we went to the MoMA today, he's kept me busy."

"Good, honey, recharge. It's what I'm doing. You should too."

"I miss you, Alex."

"Fuck, I miss you so bad, mi amor. Can we spend the whole day in bed when I get home?"

"I'd love nothing more."

"The new meds make me sleepy, I'm gonna drop off."

"Night, honey. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Love you."

"Love you."

John hung up, tears stinging his eyes. He wanted normal back.

"Is he okay, cher?" Lafayette asked.

"I think so."

"Bad day?"

"Mmm, hard day."

Hercules was still at the Lee campaign office, the team had recoiled, trying to plan a comeback after the debate loss.

"Do you want to go to bed? You look tired."

"It's early, you probably aren't tired yet."

"I am content just to lie with you. I will likely be long asleep before Hercules returns anyway, I see why you loathe these long nights, Hercules is just a peon to the campaign, not the actual manager. It is a wonder this has not happen sooner."

"Okay. Yeah, fuck politics, right?"

They readied themselves to sleep and John curled into Lafayette. The queen bed much roomier than the twin he'd forced Lafayette to share with him in college, but he liked the warmth of another body so he snuggled in close. In the darkness Lafayette played on his phone which began buzzing incessantly.

He laughed, a boom that echoed in the dark room, "mon dieu!"

"What, everything okay?" John bolted up.

"Everything is perfect, listen to this _. Lee is panicking, he tried to insult Alexander and made himself look like a tool. The internet started a hashtag for Alexander and Washington #TeamAHam. Look on twitter, there's already 20,000 tweets."_ he read the text from Hercules.

John reached for his phone on Herc's nightstand and opened twitter searching for the hashtag. The screen flooded with tweets.

' **Definitely voting Washington. New York deserves someone who empowers people with mental health struggles, not who belittles them. And he's gay? Big moment, New York. #TeamAHam'**

' **We already have a president who doesn't care about mental health and the LGBT community, New York doesn't need a governor to shame us too. #TeamAHam'**

' **Thank you, GWash for defending the rights of people with mental health probs. Feel better, Alex! #TeamAHam'**

And John's personal favourite,

' **Fuck Lee, GDubs for life. #TeamAHam'**

"This is amazing!" John squealed.

"Mon dieu! Call Alexander."

"He's asleep, new meds."

"Should we call Burr?"

"I kind of want to. I'm so curious how this all got started."

Lafayette held up a long finger, "got it. Read this." He brandished his phone, John read the screen out loud, it was the transcription of a speech delivered that afternoon.

"' _My campaign has thrived during the last year and a half under the watchful and meticulous eye of my manager, Alexander Hamilton. The reports are correct, he suffered some health issues last night during the debate. He is struggling with demons that many New Yorkers and Americans face every day. It is my great honour to have him on my team, the media is telling the truth. He is currently in the hospital, but doctors say that he will be okay soon and we will get back to work, back to the fight to bring New York what it needs. Right now, your prayers for Alexander and his husband are the greatest support you can give to the campaign._ '" John grinned and then chuckled to himself, "you can tell Alex didn't write this, the cadence is totally off."

"Scroll down to see Lee's response."

"' _George Washington is as weak as his mgr, backed by a sad sissy, that's what you can expect from him as Gov._ ' God, I hate that guy. Who even uses the term sissy anymore, just call us fags and get on with it."

"Then it broke the internet." Lafayette chuckled.

John fell asleep reading #TeamAHam tweets, feeling blanketed by an outpour from love from the whole state.


	16. Chapter 16

**I AM A PHILLIP and Paggers, thank you so much for your reviews. I really appreciate reviews and they turn into story quickly. Please indulge me.**

 **Content Warning: Explicit descriptions of suicide attempt.**

* * *

John was up before the sun, eager to visit Alex and tell him about the hashtag and success Washington was having in the polls. Lafayette slept beside him, facing away from John, snoring softly, long legs curled into his chest. John checked twitter to see if anything else had happened. The hashtag had over 100,000 tweets now. He got out of bed and went to take a shower, realizing it had been a few days. He lathered himself in Lafayette's musky body wash and conditioned his curls, the water soothed his soul. Once out of the shower he twisted his hair up onto his head and found Hercules in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar, bowl of cereal in front of him and a sketchbook beside him.

"Morning." John smiled and filled the tea kettle on the stove with water.

"'Sup?"

"I can't believe the hashtag."

Hercules beamed, "I know, right. We can barely keep Lee off twitter, what is it with these idiots just tweeting whatever pops into their minds?"

"I don't even know." John rolled his eyes.

"I kind of want to announce that I'm a 'sissy' and quit all dramatically."

"Yeah, I was wondering how that was going for you."

"As far as Lee knows Eliza is my girlfriend."

John couldn't hold back laughter, "don't even play."

"Had to come up with some shit on the fly."

"Did you tell her about this paramour?"

"Hey, French is my thing." Lafayette yawned from the hallway.

The kettle whistled and John poured it over the teabag in his mug.

"We were just talking about Herc's girlfriend."

"Ah, the lovely Eliza. She is far too good for the likes of any of us." Lafayette grinned, wrapping himself around Hercules, dipping his head onto Herc's shoulder.

John busied himself as the two lovers said their good mornings and Hercules was off for the day.

"What shall we do with our day?" Lafayette sat lazily on the now vacant bar stool, setting Herc's abandoned cereal bowl into the sink in the island.

"I want to get to Alex as soon as possible. Do you think they'd let me in early?"

"Maybe, it is just now eight."

He made himself ready to leave. A grey September mist clung between the high rises over the city. Arriving just before nine, and a nurse took pity on him, letting him back to see Alex. He was bent over the wheeling table, pen in hand, scribbling furiously.

"Hi, honey." John kissed the top of his head.

"Hi, you, just a second, let me finish this."

"Take your time." He perched next to Alexander on the edge of the bed, arms around his waist, he tucked his head into the space between Alex's head and shoulder, breathing deeply. He smelled more like himself than hospital, the familiar astringence of tea tree oil and eucalyptus hung around him. John breathed it in. Home.

"Sorry." Alex closed the notebook and circled his wrist, its familiar click letting John know he'd been writing for a while.

"Do you want me to bring you the laptop?" John offered, pressing a kiss to the back of his wrist.

"I like paper, you know that. I did finish these two, though." He motioned to two notebooks next to the phone on the bedside table, he was halfway through the third.

"I can bring you more."

"Only one more night until I get to sleep with you."

"I'm so ready."

"Hey, I'm really sorry." He wrapped his arm around John and pressed his ear to the top of John's head.

"Don't, Alex."

"No, I'm serious. Thank you for sticking with me. I know it isn't fair what I've put you through, for years now."

"It's okay. I love you so much."

"I know, and I love you, too, but this isn't fair to you. I don't know why you didn't leave me after college. I hurt you so bad."

John's mind flashed to their senior year.

 _Alexander hadn't been feeling well, he was so skinny, not going to the dining hall anymore, just eating ramen or the occasional candy in their dorm. He was so busy, sinking in classwork, StuCo, work, the internship, John barely saw him. He didn't sleep. John had been out with Lafayette and Hercules, their suitemates, they'd gone to a concert on campus. Alexander was sick, said something about his stomach._

 _They'd come back, the bathtub running. Alex didn't say anything when they shouted their hellos, it had been too long. John knocked at the bathroom door, no answer. Hercules threw himself against the particle board door until it gave. Alex was on the floor, bathtub running, crimson pools soaking him. Lafayette shoved past him, crouching at Alex's side. John turned into Hercules, tears dampening his face. Lafayette barked at Hercules to call 911, he did, still holding John close._

 _Lafayette tore the towels from over the shower curtain bar, taking the curtain down, too. He pressed them to Alex's arms, usually so caramelly tan, Alexander was faded and white. Lafayette picked him up, he looked so small and delicate in Lafayette's broad grasp. He lay him on the linoleum floor of the kitchenette where he could stretch him out and give better first aid, still clamping the towels, shoved long fingers in his throat, rolling him to his side so he wouldn't choke, "ne quitte pas, John. Ne fais pas ça! S'il te plaît, Alexander. S'il te plaît. S'il te plaît."_

 _The French commands meant nothing to John, they were pleading, begging. The paramedics arrived, put Alexander on a stretcher. John followed, ignoring the looks from other students in the hallway, he demanded to ride in the ambulance, gave as much history he knew to the EMT on the ride. They'd ended up at the same hospital they were at now. In the emergency room they'd pumped his stomach, John held the pink kidney pan for Alex while two doctors worked to stitch him up._

 _Alex leaned against him between waves of vomiting, he was so weak, so pallid. John held his hair back as each wave slammed into him. A sheen of sweat on Alex's clammy skin. John consoled and encouraged him, Spanglish tumbling out of his mouth in a fervor to make things better. So weak, so small. John clung to him, tight enough to keep him on this plane, tight enough to fight mortality. Held him like that for hours, wincing and looking away when they put the IV in. Letting Alexander sleep on his chest. Both of them covered in dark, clotted blood, vomit, tears and snot; the afterbirth of Alex's second chance at life._

 _They were both dozing when Angelica arrived, she was so angry, hot tears spilling down her face, pathways of eyeliner tracking down to her sharp jaw. "What were you thinking? You scared us all so much, Alex. Why didn't you ask for help. I love you, you stupid jackass." She hugged both of them, they stayed that way through the night._

 _The next day Lafayette came back, John stayed cemented to Alexander, Laf's voice low in John's ear, "John, come away, we have to get you cleaned up. Come, love." Pulling him away from Alexander's side. Lafayette and Hercules had cleaned up the dorm, but John couldn't will himself to shower there - he never would again - and had gone down to the locker room at the gym on campus. He threw the clothes away with a soft thud on top of brown paper towels._

 _Back in the dorm, Lafayette presented him with a black leather Moleskine journal, filled cover to cover, Alexander's rendering of a suicide note. John read it all, sobbing openly, Lafayette soothing him as best he could. Alex was in-patient, two long weeks. John visited him daily, he looked better, cheeks filling back out. He was on meds, they were helping._

 _Alexander complained about how sterile everything was so John left doodles and drawings behind, heart swelling each time he saw that Alex had taped them on the wall by his bed, filling the expanse of blank wall. Alex complained that they wouldn't let him have pens, that he could hurt himself with them, he intended to write a strongly worded letter once he was out about the healing nature and catharsis of writing. John soothed him and left him with some of his pastels to write with. Alex took them gladly but complained that they couldn't write clean and small. John happily took notes that were written in too bright shades of orange and green and read over and over, tucking them in the journal that Alexander intended to be his last will and testament. He still had that journal._

 _That was the only semester that John made better grades than Alexander. Released the week of finals, together they appealed to the deans to let him have the ability to make up his grades and exams given the extenuating circumstances. All but one professor let him, the one that wouldn't was the only class he'd ever gotten a C in. They got to walk together at graduation._

 _Alexander struggled with the adjustment from college to the real world. John floated them as they moved into a studio so small that they were constantly on top of each other, Alex complaining the whole time that he wasn't trying to mooch and loved John for more than his trust fund, embarrassed that he'd lost his job. Quickly, he found work, they only lived in the studio for six months. A hard six months, but it made them closer, and Alex got better._

John shook the memories away, Alex kissed his tears, and finally his mouth, salty and damp. John wiped his face, remembering the good news, he reached for his phone.

"Have you seen it yet?"

"Seen what?"

"Oh, my God, Alex, the internet is freaking out for you."

"Fuck, there aren't pictures of me passed out on the internet are there?"

"No, look." He offered his phone.

Alexander gaped.

"Ay dios mio."

"I know!"

"Holy shit."

"I know!"

"That's amazing!"

"I know!"

They giggled and cuddled up together, reading the tweets. There was a knock at the door. Washington appeared and Alex stiffened, smoothing himself out. John sat up, feeling like their current posture was inappropriate.

"Sorry to interrupt." Washington's lips twitched, as close to a smile as he ever gave. He brandished a lovely cluster of daylilies.

"Sir, hi. Thank you for coming." Alex snapped upright.

John took the flowers and sat them in the windowsill, "Martha?"

George smiled, "from our garden, with how cold it's getting they're probably the last of the season."

"They're lovely."

"Thank her for me." Alex smiled.

"She sends her well wishes." George patted a hand on Alex's shin. He was well dressed, a suit but no tie. Alex, in his joggers and Garfield t shirt felt like he might as well be naked.

"Thank you."

"I trust you've seen the twitter."

John smirked at his use of 'the twitter' but averted his eyes to not be noticed.

"John was showing me when you got here."

"Lee may be forced to concede."

"You're kidding." Alex clapped a hand to his chest, mouth hanging open.

"No, there's been so much backlash in response to his tweets, he's barely clinging on."

"That's amazing. He's such an idiot."

"This is all you, Alexander."

"No, sir. Your platforms, people like you because you give people like me a chance."

John kissed Alexander's hair, "people like us, this is great news, sir."

George stayed and visited for the better part of two hours before leaving, he hesitated to talk about work, but accepted the notebook that Alex had filled. Alexander sighed, once they were alone, he knew that he'd have to go meet with Kelly again, and there was a group session that evening.

"Do you need anything?" John asked, putting his shoes back on.

"Nah, I'm okay, I get to come home tomorrow night."

"Yup. We can make it."

John kissed him and left, he walked to one of Alex's favourite coffee shops and ordered a chai latte, just wanting to be alone for a while. He was trying to process what their lives would be like when Alex came home. Things wouldn't be all of a sudden peachy keen, but they'd have to be better. He'd feel like he was on suicide watch. John could hear the fights that they'd have, he'd call John overbearing and shut himself up in his work, and John would get emotional, but they would get through it. Lafayette called him, he'd been meeting with city planners to try and get a permit for their next protest.

"No dice, they said it's too close to Christmas, but I got some good news, Angelica said Age of Reason can do a benefit show that night." Lafayette balanced the good and bad news.

"Hey, that's something. Tell me more about it later?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm at a coffee shop, just left Alexander, he's got therapy."

"Are you coming back over, or heading home?"

"I don't know, I should go clean up at home, get some groceries in the house."

"I understand, listen, if you need anything call me. Should I bring your things over?"

"Nah, I'll get them later or tomorrow, just need some time to sort things out. Thanks for everything."

"Of course. I'm only a call away, mon ami."

"Thanks, Laf."

He hung up and finished his latte.


	17. Chapter 17 (Congratulations)

**Please review and let me know if you're enjoying the read. Thanks!**

 **Content Warning: Light Sexual Themes**

* * *

John went to the grocery store, picking up some of Alex's favourite foods. He planned on cooking him some of his favourite foods tomorrow night to welcome him home. He also grabbed a pint of ice cream for himself. At home, he cleaned up, put fresh sheets on the bed, cleaned out the refrigerator and started marinating chicken quarters in buttermilk.

His stress diminished with the house being clean and he let himself relax, flopped on the couch, turned on their Xbox and flung his jeans on the floor. He took Alexander's advice and decided to catch up on his sappy TV shows that Alex couldn't stand. He turned on This Is Us, and cried into his ice cream watching the house burn down. The ache of the next episode reminded him of coping after his mother's death and he finished the pint, feeling bloated and satisfied, he kept watching. He didn't realize that his phone was ringing, after the next episode he checked it and saw that he'd missed a call from Lafayette and one from Alex. He called Alex first, but got no answer, it was after nine, so he assumed he was sleeping and called Lafayette.

"Hey, sorry I missed your call."

"You've been crying? Are you okay? You could have come back over." Lafayette sounded annoyed.

"I- No, I was watching TV, I'm okay, just this stupid show always gets me."

"Why do you watch it?"

"You sound like, Alex."

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. He'll be home tomorrow. I'm staying here tonight, thanks for everything."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

He heard rustling in the background, "no, John, save me! His hair's gonna eat me tonight!" Hercules screamed into the phone.

"Oh, hush." Lafayette admonished, "you can sleep in the guest room."

A yelp from Hercules, a light growl from Lafayette into the receiver.

"Still on the phone, guys." John said, exasperated.

"My apologies. I have to handle this. Call if you need anything."

"Good luck." John chuckled and hung up.

He was getting tired, but couldn't bring himself to sleep in their bed alone, he put on the Lord of the Rings and tossed the throw blanket over himself. Sleep came over him easily.

The next day passed expeditiously, Alexander had a final therapy session with Kelly, they put a plan in place for him to have regular sessions for the next six weeks. After therapy, he packed his things up, changed into clean street clothes and waited for discharge rounds, John came late in the afternoon. They kissed a greeting and chatted, John promised him delicious food for dinner.

He wasn't discharged until almost six. They walked arm in arm out of the hospital, John toting the gym bag, Alexander felt like he was breaking out of jail. They rode the subway home, Alex looked tired and gaunt.

"Doing okay?" John asked.

"I'm fine. Don't worry." Alex's eyes were dark.

"Okay." John squeezed his hand.

Once they were home John made good on his promise to make him food, the chicken soaked up the buttermilk and John busied himself dredging it in flour and spices. It spattered in grease in the pan on the stove. He boiled potatoes and simmered greens in bacon fat. He presented Alex a plate and he moaned into the first bite.

"So good, everything they gave me tasted like plastic." He shoved another bite of mashed potatoes in his mouth.

"Anything for my man." John took a bite, he'd outdone himself.

After dinner Alexander took his new medication, he said it did help him feel less anxious, but that the fatigue was losing its charm.

"Let's go to bed, then." John offered.

They readied themselves and curled up together. Alex kissed him hard, tangling hands in curls, pressing them together. John moaned into his mouth and searched his body with his hands, he felt more angular, sharper, silently John admonished himself for not noticing sooner.

"You feel so good, baby. Missed you. So much. This. Missed this." He grabbed a handful of John's ass through his boxers.

"Me too." John mouthed his chin, sucking the now yellow bruise there.

After more heavy petting, Alex balled up his fists in the blankets and shoved away from John retreating to the bathroom. John followed, met with a closed door.

"Babe? You okay?"

"Come on. Come on." Muffled through the door.

"Alex?"

Alexander growled to himself.

"Alex?" John knocked at the door again.

Alex opened the door, his jaw set, eyes disappointed.

"What is it honey?" John held his arms out.

Alex gestured at his crotch, "I can't… nothing. Just fucking nothing."

"I can try-"

"-No, it's not you, it's me, me being fucking broken."

"I don't think you're broken. You know this is something the meds can do."

Alexander looked away, working his jaw from side to side, mentally berating himself.

"It's okay, honey, I was having fun just making out with you, I don't need anything else. Just wanna be close to you."

"John, seriously, stop wasting your time on me." Alex pushed past him.

John armored himself against the sting of his words. Thought about the last time he'd come home, they fought so much, almost all because of how hard Alexander could be on himself. How downright mean he could be when he was like that. _None of this is real_ , John's mantra, knowing that on the other side of this, Alexander was compassionate and loving, and sweet.

"Alex, don't do this." John pleaded.

"I'm fucking tired." Alexander threw himself on the bed and pulled the blanket over him.

John followed, "can I hold you?"

"Fine."

John wrapped himself around Alex, trying to hold together his broken parts.

"I love you, I'm glad you're home."

"I love you, too." John pretended not to feel his shoulders shaking as he silently cried himself to sleep.

John sighed and tried to go to sleep, hoping that tomorrow would be better. It wasn't.

They woke up together, John smiled at Alex, squeezed him tight, Alexander leaning into the touch.

"Still want to spend the whole day in bed?" John quirked an eyebrow.

"C'mon. Goddammit, Jack, don't be dense, think of how much work I missed already, some of us have to work."

Ow, Jesus, his tongue could sting. Alex got out of bed and pulled his hoodie on. John followed him out to the kitchen and made them toast, pretending he was hungry, but mostly so Alexander wouldn't take his pills on an empty stomach. Alex thanked him and pecked at the toast, he took his medication.

John flopped onto the couch and stared at a book, not really reading, he stole glances that Alexander could feel.

"You don't have to watch me. I'm not just going to go kill myself, love." Alex spat.

John stared pointedly at his book and then reached for his phone, texting just the word **help?**

Angelica texted him back, **what's wrong?**

 **He's being an asshole. Can you talk some sense into him?**

 **It would be my pleasure.**

John kept not reading his book until there was a knock on the door. He opened it, Angelica stood in the hallway, two takeaway cups in her hands.

"Hi, sweetheart, you should go take a walk." She kissed John's cheek.

John knew he didn't want to hear what was coming next and put on shoes and a coat and beanie. He quickly left their apartment.

Angelica gave one of the coffees to Alexander.

"Thanks, I don't really have time to chat." He barely looked at her.

She spun a kitchen chair backwards and sat in it, staring directly at him.

"Oh, I'm not here to chat."

Alexander looked at her.

"Someday, you'll wise up and I can quit giving you lectures. I've always said I don't want to be a mom, but it looks like you want to keep making me be one. So, let's review, you work yourself into the hospital, John is nothing but loving and compassionate and so, what, you think it'd be fun to be a piece of shit to him? Didn't we _just_ have this talk, Alexander? Didn't we just talk about you not being king douche to your husband? How many more times are we going to have this talk? I begged you to do better than me, take a break, to be better to yourself. And you just couldn't. You make up these stories in that giant, intellectual _stupid_ brain of yours, where you're this piece of shit, no one else thinks that! You're the only enemy you have, the only one you ever lose to. So, yeah, congratulations, something else that Alexander the Great is the best at, being mean to himself and taking it out on people who love him. John is the best thing that could happen to someone like you… or me… How dare you lose sight of the fact that you've been blessed with the best husband."

Alex's jaw was set hard, he swallowed and breathed shallowly through his nose. He could barely hold back hiccuping sobs in his chest and looked down at the table, just a whisper, "are you done?"

"Are you?" She shouted back.

"I want to be." He was whispering, a silent tear fell and bled the ink in his open notebook. "I hate myself."

Angelica put her coffee on the table and stood up, she crouched next to Alexander and took a hand in both of hers.

"Alexander, look at me." Her voice was silky and comforting now.

He looked at her through damp lashes.

"This is hard. I know it is, but don't shut us out. How has the worked for you in the past?"

"Not well."

"Right, you want to get better, right?"

"Yeah."

"So maybe it's worth trying something different?"

"Yeah."

"Are the meds making you want to be an asshole?"

"I think so, the meds, and coming back home. I'm so ashamed, and embarrassed."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know how hard change is for you, but we're all here if you let us shoulder some of the burden."

He took a shaky breath, "I don't know how. I'm scared, and it makes me mean, I know it isn't fair, but I don't know how to stop it. I hear myself say terrible things to John, and it just makes me hate myself more. I couldn't even get it up last night. Doesn't John deserve better?"

"This is all the meds, you'll get used to them, or change them, this is all temporary, remember that religion class we took? Remember that all suffering is temporary?"

"Yes. But what if it isn't?"

"It is, Alex, it is. I promise." She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand, "you've been happy. Just last week when we all went out, you were happy. That was real, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"See! Everything is temporary."

"Do you think John should leave me?"

"Do you trust John? Think he's a pretty smart guy?"

"Of course!"

"So, then don't you think that if he wanted to leave, he'd be gone?"

"I guess."

"There you go. Now what do we do? You feeling stressed about work, Mr. Team-A-Ham?"

"A little."

"Okay, what are your projects?"

She grabbed a pen and notepad.

"Well, I need to finish a speech for Washington and I need to make sure that our sponsors are in place, and I need to finish the commercial script for voter turnout."

She wrote a to do list for him, "you haven't done that stuff?"

"Well, kind of, but it could be better."

"Alex, slack off, take a breather, my dude. Lee's barely hanging on, as long as the speech you drafted doesn't say 'I'm George Washington and I like bathing in the blood of abortions and eating babies after a long day of stealing taxpayers' guns' I think you're in the clear. Take a day or two with your sweetie, and get used to being back home."

Alexander sighed, "I'm bad at taking breaks."

"Oh, I know. Time to learn to be better at it. Here, let me read the speech."

Alexander furrowed his brow.

"Bro, I write music for a living, it may not get a Hamilton Seal of Excellency, but I know a thing or two."

"Excellence." He corrected.

"You're ridiculous." She took the notebook and read through it, making little notes here and there.

Alexander blew out a breath and bounced his leg. Once she had finished reading she looked at him, saw him worrying his lip between his teeth, the leg bounce, the furrow in his brow.

"Hey! Stop, deep breaths, coping skills, ready? In…" She took a deep breath with him and they held it, and finally let it out. A few more times.

"I'm better."

"Dude, you've gotta talk about this work addiction at your next therapy session."

"I know."

"I'm serious, send what you have to Washington and take a day or two, you told me he said you being better was the primary concern."

"Okay, mom."

"Ew, no, cut that shit out."

"Thanks for everything."

"It's cool. I'm gonna tell John it's safe to come home now."


	18. Chapter 18

**I likely won't update tomorrow, Sundays are busy for me right now, so enjoy this and please review if you like it. Thank you for reading!**

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The fell into normalcy over the next week. Alexander had let his talk with Angelica guide him into being kinder to John, he tried, though markedly less successful to be kinder to himself and slept more than he had in years. John had to rouse him for work. He'd taken Angelica's advice and took another day off, but then was right back to work. John took care of the house work, cooking their meals - whether Alex had an appetite was a dice roll, - cleaning, grocery shopping, paying their bills. Alex looked hollow, deep pits under his eyes. On Thursday John nearly forced him into the shower.

"My love, you have to."

"I'm so tired."

"Come on, sweetheart. You'll feel better."

"I can't." His shoulders were rounded with fatigue.

"I'll run you a bath."

Alexander shook his head.

"I'll shower with you?" John had a glint in his eye.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

John disappeared into the bathroom and stripped down, turning on the spray to warm the water sitting in the pipes. Alex joined him. John raked his eyes over his husband's body, it had become less waifish, softening where only a few weeks ago it had been sharp and pointy. He helped him into the tub and closed the curtain behind them.

"I'm so tired." Alex whimpered.

"Come here," John took both of their weight, letting Alex lean into him and he worked his hair free from the bun it had been trapped in for three days. His hair was greasy and horrible knotted, smelling like sweat and sebum John tipped Alexander's chin back and let the warm water rush over his hair. Alex let out a little moan as it massaged his scalp.

"Water feel okay?"

Alexander nodded and John worked his shampoo into his hair, fragrant, clean tea tree oil stinging his eyes as he lathered Alex's hair. He carefully rinsed it out and put conditioner in. Alex was limp against him, letting himself be taken care of, it was a rare treat for John to be allowed so freely to help him, no shame or pride in the way, just tenderness and trust.

"There we go, that's better." John patted Alex to encourage him to stand for himself and then traded places with him in their small bathtub, the water did feel good, John let it run over his face and blew it wetly away from his mouth, worked his own shampoo and conditioner in while Alex washed himself. John took the shower gel from him and cleaned his own body, he rinsed off quickly and they spun deftly to trade places again. John helped Alex rinse the conditioner out of his hair, Alexander pecking kisses on John's neck and arm. John turned the water off and squeezed water out of both of their hair before handing Alexander a towel. He wrung his hair into the towel and gave his body a once over before wrapping it around his waist. He helped Alex out of the bath and sat him on the closed toilet, dried his hair with the towel and misted oil into his locks before combing them. Alex leaned into John's belly, his forehead making contact with his navel. John wove Alex's damp hair into a french braid and kissed the top of his head.

"Go put on your pj's, I'll be in bed soon."

Alex nodded and followed directions, little goosebumps prickling his skin. John followed his own hair ritual, the same oil, leave in cream conditioner, followed by mousse, he trussed his hair back, hating how it felt around his neck when it was damp. He washed his face and brushed his teeth. Out of the bathroom, he set the thermostat higher, knowing Alex would be cold, and grabbed his night time medication from the windowsill in the kitchen. Alexander was cocooned under the covers, John quickly dressed and hung both of their towels over the bar in the bathroom. He killed the lights and cuddled up to Alex, handing him his pills and a glass of water from the bedside table.

"You take good care of me."

"Of course, I do. You're mi corazón."

"Someday I'll make it up to you."

"No need. Hey, we've got your appointment tomorrow. Still okay if I come?"

"You know what's going on better than me, you should definitely be there."

Alex fell asleep in John's arms, his hot breath tickling John's neck.

In the morning, Alexander was particularly cuddly, he wrapped his arms tightly around John when he tried to get up.

"Stay." He whined.

"Honey, I have to pee. We have to get ready for the doctor."

"Five minutes, don't pee on me." And he held tighter.

John was stronger than Alexander, could easily break free, but he had no desire to. He could wait five minutes, he turned and let Alex nuzzle into the soft place where his arm met his chest. Alex made little snuffling noises of contentment while John checked twitter, the TeamAHam hashtag was still going strong. The concert that Angelica was planning was getting more traction. He had a message from Lafayette confirming a sponsor for the event and responded to it.

"Alright, five minutes up, I really gotta pee." He pecked a kiss to Alex's temple and slid out of bed.

Alexander rubbed his eyes, heaviness settled over him. He didn't want to move, didn't want to go into the cold, ride the train, go to the doctor, go to the pharmacy, still have to go to work, come back home, all just to do it again tomorrow, but he wanted to get better, that meant going through the motions. He forced himself out of bed and got dressed. John produced a cup of coffee for him and got himself dressed. Alex pulled his hair free from its braid, it fell around his face in soft waves that make John's heart flutter.

"Time to go." John took his hand and kissed his knuckles, he handed him morning meds and a granola bar, which was eaten on the train.

"It's too cold." Alex complained around a mouthful of granola bar.

"October in New York. Never know what you're gonna get."

The waiting room of the psychiatrist was empty. They waited, John flipping through a magazine. Alex bounced his knees. John noticed this and without looking away from the article he was reading squeezed a knee and thumbed over his boxy kneecap. Alexander took a set of deep breaths and stilled himself. The doctor called them back.

"So how's it going, Alexander?" The doctor asked conversationally.

"Well, doc. It's been better, but it's been worse too."

"Dr. Hosack, Alex is struggling with mood, he's been really short and irritable, he's also sleeping a lot." John added.

Dr. Hosack nodded, "this can happen, especially when medication is new."

Alex blushed, "I also, don't really have a sex drive, or at least my body isn't cooperating, and I'm still struggling to do what I need to do. I'm kind of just going to work and going to bed."

More nodding, "I'm not comfortable swapping or introducing new medication, but I think that we need to decrease the antidepressant and have you take all medications at night. You've been on these medications for less than two weeks. Until it has been at least a month, I want you to keep trying."

"Okay."

"Your body should adapt and the problems you're having should resolve themselves. I have to ask, any thoughts of hurting yourself?"

Alex's fingers danced over his scars and he shook his head, "no. I'm doing okay with that. My anxiety's a little better, too."

"This is all very good, okay, I am decreasing your medication, break the pills in half and take one half each night, continue with the anti anxiety medication as you have been. Call me if you need anything, I want you back in four weeks. Take care, and hey, I am very much Team-A-Ham."

Alexander chuckled, "thanks, doc."

The appointment was quick, they made a follow up appointment with the receptionist and John followed Alexander to work, just to say hi to George. They chatted on the train.

"That went well. The lower dose should help."

"I hope so." Alex looked at the ground.

"It will. We can tough it out."

Alex dropped his voice to a whisper, "I just hope it fixes my dick. It misses you."

John's body lit up in excitement at this, "I miss it, too."

Alexander tucked himself into John's side.

"Can I take you to lunch before work?"

"No, I need to get in there, only nine days left."

"I'm so proud of you."

At the office, John was welcomed by the rest of the campaign staff who adored him. Even Burr was cordial, John hadn't seen him since before he'd gotten the call the night of the incident.

"John, good to see you."

"Aaron. You look well."

"No complaints here."

Alex pulled John away toward Washington's office.

"Hi, sir," he said softly.

George waved them in, "John, what a happy surprise."

"Good to see you, too sir." John smiled.

"We were just at a doctors appointment for me and John wanted to come by and say hello."

"It's almost here, are you feeling confident?" John asked him.

"Very, we're strong in the polls. It's up to divinity at this point."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"We can always use more folk on the phones if you've got the time to spare. You can make sure, Alexander leaves at five sharp, too."

"Will do,"

John strolled into the main office and found the head of the volunteers and took a call sheet and set to work. Alex stayed back and talked to Washington, he showed him drafts of both his victory and concession speeches, they worked together to revise them. At five John poked his head into Washington's office.

"Can I steal my husband, or are you guys still working?"

Washington looked down at the watch on his wrist, "it's five, go, get him out of here, do something fun together. Thank you for your help today."

"Anything for the cause, have a good night."

"Bye, sir." Alexander waved, scooping papers into his bag.

They left the office hand in hand. A sharply dressed man was outside the office, "Mr. Hamilton, do you have a moment?"

"I'm sorry, can I help you?" Alex spun to face the man.

"I'm a reporter with the Post. How are you feeling?"

"I'm doing much better now, thank you."

"How are you feeling about Washington's chances?"

An iPhone set to record audio was held out to him.

"There isn't a soul in this state who possesses a more unequivocal right to be in office. He is absolutely what New York needs and will govern with the utmost dignity and respect while maintaining authority in accomplishing what needs to be done and passing new policies as well as rectifying old ones to guide our fine state into a new era."

"This is your husband, John? John's with Black Lives Matter?"

"He's the vanguard of the local incarnation of the movement, yes."

"How is it, juggling everything?"

"There are only so many hours in a day, but we're both called to public service."

"Have you seen any backlash from how vocal you are with the movement and your place on Washington's staff?"

"No, while I am an outspoken supporter of Black Lives Matter, that is John's undertaking, sure the foundation of the movement is an albatross that our country in its entirety should be aware of, but as far as leadership within the movement, please give the credit that's due to my dear husband, I am simply a supporter, this is disentangled from my work with Washington."

"Thank you for your time."

"Have a good evening."

They walked away and John squeezed his hand, "good job 'people-skilling,'"

Alex smiled sleepily, "can't make a fool of myself this close to the election. Did I tell you someone else interviewed me this week about the hashtag?"

"No, that's cool."

"I guess so."

"Do you want to go out to dinner?"

"Sure, can we invite the gang? I feel shitty that I haven't seen anyone since, you know, I was an asshole."

"You up for that?"

"I think so, it's important, plus, we can leave early."

"Okay, I'll rally the troops." John started messaging the group chat to set up plans.


	19. Chapter 19

**Took me all night, but I managed to crank this out. Please review! Reviews make my heart swell and the sweet ones make my teeth ache more than the fluff in this chapter. Thanks for reading!**

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It was a miracle, everyone was available for dinner. They met at a divey burger bar that Alex loved. The table for eight sat Alexander and John, Hercules and Lafayette, the three Schuylers, and Peggy's latest boyfriend. While waiting for their food to come, Angelica announced that she was going out for a cigarette. Alex joined her outside, whining about the chill.

"I thought you quit." Alex looked at the glowing cherry of her cigarette.

"I did. I'll quit again." Alexander sighed, wondering how much blame belonged to him for her stressing out enough to reinstate an old vice.

"John's birthday is next week."

"Shit, it is, isn't it. What are you gonna do?"

"No clue. It's gotta be big, though. Prove not everything is about me."

"How about I see if dad can get the timeshare?"

"You serious?"

"We didn't go this summer. Be a free place to stay."

The cabin in question sat on the banks of Lake Champlain. It was beautiful, Alex has gone once with the Schuyler family while they were in college.

"My freaking hero."

Angelica stubbed out her cigarette and they went back inside. Alexander picked at his burger, not feeling particularly hungry, but he forced himself to eat at least some of it. A sense of excitement bloomed in the empty place where joy was supposed to live. It was the most 'himself' he'd felt in months. He felt genuinely excited.

The next day Angelica texted him while he was at work

 **Cabin is go**

He texted back.

 **Amazing, details?**

 **Leave Tuesday, back Friday sound okay?**

 **Hold, please, double checking with the boss**

Alexander steadied himself and walked to George's office, the door was open.

"Sir, do you have a moment?"

"Absolutely. What is it?"

"John's birthday is coming up and I was wondering if you could do without me for a few days next week?"

"We've all but won. You need this. Where are you going?"

"A friend's cabin on Lake Champlain."

"Beautiful. We'll be fine without you. Celebrate John. He's worth celebrating."

"That's the truth." Alex beamed.

He chatted with Washington a little longer and texted Angelica.

 **All good in the hood.**

That night he started dropping hints to John as they got ready for bed.

"I have a surprise for you."

"Oh, yeah? And what's that?"

John started braiding Alex's hair, a tradition that they'd settled into in the last week before bed.

"Can't tell you. But I can tell you that it will be fun and amazing."

"I'm sure it will be." John secured the braid.

"Super fun."

The weekend passed and Alexander grew more excited. He struggled to get his work done on Monday, making to do lists for everything he needed to do before they left. John was still clueless, Alexander was pretty sure that he didn't even know the cabin existed, nor did he know about their vacation. He'd gotten Lafayette to agree to let them take his car, still not sure why he owned a car in the city.

Alex was up at five, he double checked his lists and repacked their bags, making sure that he'd gotten everything, John was none the wiser, sleeping contentedly. At seven he woke him.

"Wake up, sunshine!" Alexander kissed his nose.

"Mm-mm, too early." John pulled the blankets up.

"It's surprise time!" Alex pounced on top of him.

"Surprise can wait."

"No. Surprise now!" He pulled the blankets away, John grumbled and rubbed his eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Seven."

"Why are you so perky?"

"Three cups of coffee, unyielding love for you, excited about the surprise, getting used to meds."

"Fair enough." John yawned.

"Now get up!"

John pawed at his face and stretched. Alex was ready to go, John finally joined him, excitement battling tiredness.

"Suitcases?"

Alex grinned, "yup."

"What do you have planned?"

"A. Surprise!" Alexander enunciated each syllable, not giving in.

"Did you take your meds?" John asked him, rolling his eyes.

"Yes. And I even ate food."

"Hey, look at you go."

"See." Alex stuck his nose in the air, "now let's go!"

They hauled their bags out and wheeled them down the streets to the train.

"Okay, this is just Laf and Herc's." John said dubiously, "why are we here at seven in the morning?"

Alex waved him to the adjoining parking garage and punched in the code Laf gave him, he pressed the unlock button on the key fob and found Laf's Mercedes. He tossed John the keys.

"So, I have to drive to my surprise?"

"I don't know how to drive." Alex said in an obvious tone and rolled his eyes, pulling up Maps on his phone.

"I guess if we want to get there in one piece that makes sense."

Alexander loaded their bags and joined John in the passenger seat.

"Okay, head north, you're gonna want to take the GWB, and then take the turnpike to 4 to 17, to well, basically you want to end up on 87, and then you stay on that until we die."

"Fair enough, walk me through it when we get to where I need to turn."

John flicked a blinker on and waited for the sea of cabs to part.

"You sure Lafayette's okay with us taking the car?"

"Yup, that's why I had the keys, love. He helped me conspire."

John eased out of the parking garage which closed automatically behind them. He hated driving in the city.

They crossed the bridge, one of Alexander's favourite views in the whole city, he stared out the window, the sun was coming up, things were getting better.

"Okay, now what?"

"Take the exit for 17 north, the Garden state exit."

John tried to get over, "goddamn, will you people move? Jesus!" He slowed down to a crawling pace to get into the break in traffic. "Christ! I swear to God, not that hard to not be an asshole, people. Try it once in a damned while."

"Babe, you're fine."

"No, but they wouldn't let me over!" John whined.

Alex squeezed his knee, trying to soothe him, he kept fuming until they were properly on the highway.

"So, now will you tell me where we're going?" John pleaded.

"Currently, north."

"Smart aleck."

"No, you mean, 'you're smart, Alex.'"

John giggled and shook his head, "when in your surprise do we get to eat?"

"I figured you'd ask that."

Alex unbuckled his seatbelt and crawled through the seats where he started rummaging through shopping bags.

"Ooh, look, you left this nice booty unattended." John reached up and pinched Alex who at the shock of the touch lost his footing on his seat and pinned himself between the front and back.

"Rude." He pushed himself up and withdrew snacks, coming to sit properly, he buckled himself back in.

"Whatcha got?"

"Protein bars, apple and peanut butter, gummy bears."

"How quickly you go from protein bar to gummy bears."

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

"No we're in Hell, it's paved by the New Jersey Department of Transportation."

"Right, screw Jersey." He unwrapped a protein bar for John and tore open the gummy bears for himself.

"Everything is legal in New Jersey, look at this shit." John took the protein bar and gestured at an Oldsmobile driving thirty miles an hour in the fast lane.

They ate their snacks and made their way through Jersey as quickly as possible, back into New York, the further upstate they got the more beautiful the fall colours were. After two hours had passed, or as Alex was keeping time, the entire soundtrack of Les Miserables, John decided to stop for gas and real food.

"I'm just saying, just because we have this canonized dead mom, hero thing happening doesn't make Fantine some Madonna, she's kind of flat. Like, 'hey, you're dead, bummer,' she's just Charon, but whatever." Alexander was arguing.

"No way, you want to talk kind of flat, Cosette is the flat one, she's the center of this theme of sacrifice and just YOLO's it away."

"Um, okay, Cosette is basically Harry Potter."

"Excuse me, no, maybe if Harry was boring and terrible."

"He's kind of terrible."

"No, just stop, you're starting something you can't finish with me, Alex."

"Well, he is!"

"No, you stop it."

"I'm just glad he didn't end up in Slytherin, we don't want him anyway. Sssss!"

"Ew, no, go away."

"Okay, but Eponine, though." Alex sighed dreamily, getting back on topic.

"She's perfect."

"Perfect!" Alex's hands shot up, fingers spread, then contracting into fists, an allocution coming, "I mean, she just spills her heart out to Marius and she's all like, yo, I'm smart and independent, I read. Nope, smash, heart ripped out on the floor. She's all like that boy is mine, screw you, you a jerk, I'm glad I told on you about that doll like ten years ago, even though you're big sucker sugar daddy got you one anyway. Then she goes all Mulan, make a man out of you, all just to die for that asshole, who was like, nah, girl, we just friends! Oh my, God the injustice!"

John chuckled to himself.

"What?" Alexander snapped out of his rant.

"Nothing, this is just the most animated you've been in months."

"Doc Hosack knows what he's doing."

They found the promise of a truck stop and pulled into a bay to get gas and went inside for food.

"I kind of just want a sandwich." Alex decided.

"I'm totally getting pancakes, ooh, no, waffle."

The food was subpar at best, and John spent most of the meal pleading for more information about where they were going. Alexander wasn't letting up.

Back on the road they put on Rent, Alexander cooked up his opinions on the show.

"Maybe it's just because I'm uncultured for liking the movie, but Rosario Dawson kills, like I just never really dug how Daphne did Mimi, she's such an important character, she drives so much growth and really helps to glue things together, she's so important to the dynamic of the group. You just don't see that with Daphne, I mean, yeah, maybe she looks washed out and high, but my girl Rosario just kills it so hard. I mean, Mimi's no Angel, but, dude, hands down one of the best characters, maybe ever written, Johnathon Larson, my hero."

"I just can't forgive the movie for cutting out the rest of Goodbye Love, who does that!" John added.

"I know, but by that point you're already crying so who cares if you miss out on some crying."

By the time that the cast on the recording was considering packing up for Santa Fe, it was time to get off the highway.

"I was pretty sure we were going to actual Canada." John complained.

"Nope, we're almost there, just like twenty more minutes."

The rest of the drive was filled with the hum of excitement.

"I've never been to Vermont." John thought aloud.

"It's super pretty, especially this time of year. Okay, up there, see the funny looking tree, turn right there."

"Funny looking tree?"

"You passed it,"

"Babe, funny looking tree isn't a great adjective when we're driving through a forest." John turned the car around.

"Well, if you looked at it, you'd be like, 'damn, that _is_ a funny looking tree.'"

"Oh, my God, you're a whack job sometimes."

He turned at the mostly normal looking tree and started on a long gravel path, feeling sorry for what the loose rocks were doing to Laf's car.

"Here we are!" Alex cheered.

The cabin was beautiful, big, dark wood, sat right up on the banks of the lake.

John parked and they both hurried out of the car to stretch their stiff muscles. John raced around the car to squeeze Alex, picked him up and spun him in a circle.

"This is incredible."

"Happy birthday, baby." Alexander kissed him on the forehead.

"Oh, shit, my birthday is tomorrow, isn't it?" He'd genuinely forgotten with everything that had been going on.

"Sure is, and we're celebrating. Come on, let's grab our bags."

They lugged their suitcases, Alexander, of course had over packed, and he fumbled with the keys, punched in the alarm code once they were inside and they surveyed their surroundings. The two story house was elegant but homey, a window covered the expanse of the entire back of the cabin overlooking the lake, it took John's breath away. There were two bedrooms on the main floor and the master was upstairs, an open loft with a clear view of that gorgeous window. The kitchen was spacious, a long breakfast bar separating it from the living room, furnished in dark espresso leather near a grand fireplace.

"This is so amazing." John flopped onto the sofa.

"Thank Angelica."

"What?"

"This is her folk's timeshare, they let us borrow it for the week, happy birthday, Jackie." He flopped onto the sofa on top of John.


	20. Chapter 20

**Fluffy fluff, we all need a breather after what Alexander's been through over the last few chapters. Your reviews are sweeter than Alex trying to make dinner! Thanks for reading.**

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"What do you want to do first?" Alexander asked John from their place on the couch.

"I dunno what there is to do up here. You're the boss."

"Perfect. Let's go for a walk by the lake, it's warm enough today. Stretch our muscles a little."

"Okay, that sounds nice."

"Bring your camera."

"Did you pack my-"

"Columbia jacket?" Alex handed it to him.

"You really did everything, didn't you?"

"I just wanted to take care of you, you've been our rock lately, wanted to dote on you, take care of you for your birthday."

John pulled the insulated windbreaker over his head.

"Thank you." John smiled, mostly from his eyes, lips puckering, holding back a grin of embarrassment.

"God, I love you in green. So sexy with your eyes." Alexander growled, finally handing him his hiking sneakers before he pulled on his own Vans.

"You're wearing those?" John sounded skeptical.

"I don't 'outside', I care less if these get messed up than my Chucks."

"You're a mess."

"Your mess, though, right?"

"Of course, silly. Now come on, I want to see the lake."

Alex gave John his camera and they twined their fingers together, walking down the steps from the back deck to the shores. It was craggy and damp, the detritus smell of fall clinging in the chilly air. John was speechless, colors of autumn reflecting in the placid surface of the water.

"You like it?" Alex speculated.

"It's beautiful." John's voice was breathy, he lifted the camera suspended by its strap around his neck and put it to his eye, snapping the lake and the trees, he turned and took one instantly of Alexander staring at him in pure, bewildered love before embarrassment crept to Alex's cheeks.

"Hey, no, not me."

"I just want to photograph the most beautiful thing out here."

"You're pretty slick when you wanna be, John Laurens."

"Gotta try and keep up with you."

They walked down the rocky beach, hand in hand, John helping Alexander find sure footing, the flat bottoms of Alex's skate shoes struggled to find purchase on the terrain and his feet ended up soaking wet from too many missteps. The temperature dropped as the sun lowered in the sky. Alex was shivering, trying to keep the clattering of his teeth to a minimum. John in his weatherproof windbreaker and dry shoes barely noticed the change in temperature. They reached a stopping point, John took a picture of the sun setting through the foliage. Alex held himself to stay warm in his hoodie. John wheeled around and saw his frigid countenance.

"Wanna go back?"

Alexander's voice wavered with the chill, "it's cool. I'm good."

"Come on, island boy, I can see how cold you are." John wrapped an arm around Alex to keep him close and warm and they strolled back to the cabin.

"You act like South Carolina's not hot too."

"Hey, sometimes it'll get down to freezing in the winter. I'm also wearing the right clothes."

"Whatever. So, I was thinking we can have a fire, and they stocked the fridge, so I'm making you dinner tonight."

" _You're_ making dinner?" John smirked.

"' _You're making dinner?'"_ Alex mocked him, playfully petulant, "yes, I'm making you dinner, what are you gonna do about it?"

"Nothin' to do but watch."

Back at the cabin they exchanged mist dampened clothes - and Alexander's soaking shoes, socks, and pants - for comfortable loungewear. Alex started the gas fireplace and set the television up for John to watch a movie, he started banging around in the kitchen, trying to find pots and pans. Spaghetti was simple enough. He could make spaghetti. Hopefully? The water boiled and he added the noodles, angering the tempestuous bubbles in the pot, it frothed over with an impressive sizzle. Alexander squawked.

"Everything okay in there?" John called.

"Peachy?" Alex tried to sound reassuring, "don't come in here!"

He turned the heat down and the waters settled, he browned the meat for sauce, adding salt and pepper and… garlic? That seemed right, he shook garlic powder into the pan and then once it was cooked, poured the jar of sauce over it and stirred the pot. The timer was going off for the noodles, sauce bubbling and spitting red over the stovetop, counters, him. He made a noise of trepidation and turned the heat on the sauce down, it worked for the noodles. Wiped sweat percolating on his forehead, cursed under his breath. He pulled the pasta off the stove and into the colander waiting in the sink. The noodles fell in a block out of the pot.

"Dammit." he grabbed the tongs and broke the noodles apart as much as possible, they were pretty ugly.

He reached into the fridge for the salad, luckily it was a bagged kit, open all the pouches and mix, easy peasy. Sliced a few jagged chunks of Italian bread. Popped the bottle of wine and poured two glasses, he plated their meals and loaded everything onto a tray to take it into the living room by the fire with John.

"Alright, handsome, what's on the menu?" John paused the movie he was watching, Devil Wears Prada.

"Salad and spaghetti, with bread and butter and chianti."

"Wow, look at you go, stunner."

Alex blushed, and sipped his wine, only a tiny bit, barely more than a shot glass worth.

John ate the salad happily, laughing at the mangled bread. John was the first to go for the spaghetti. He took a bite and grinned, chewing deliberately. Alexander knit his eyebrows together pensively.

"Is it okay?"

John took a drink of his wine, and swallowed hard, "it's something. You worked really hard on it, though."

Alex took a bold bite of the spaghetti, it was sticky and gummy on the outside, crunchy on the inside. He was horrified.

"Sorry?"

"You didn't stir the noodles, did you?"

"Ah! You're supposed to stir them, that makes way more sense. Damn. This is awful."

"Sauce is good." John dipped a piece of bread into the meat sauce and took a giant bite of the terrible noodles.

"You really don't have to eat this crap."

"It's not _that_ bad."

"No, it's totally that bad." Alexander followed the idea of dipping bread, pushing chunks of noodle out of the way to lap the sauce up on the bread.

"Thank you for making me dinner, that was pretty sweet of you."

"Anything for you."

They finished their meal, both full enough, John had a second glass of wine.

"We can finish your movie if you want." Alexander offered after clearing their dishes. John still held his stemless wine glass.

"Okay, sounds good." He leaned back on Alex and resumed the movie.

Alexander didn't really pay attention to the screen, he was twisting John's hair around his fingers and rubbing his shoulders, tracing freckles on his neck, pecking kisses in his hair. John felt heavy from the wine and enjoyed the doting affection. After the movie was over he looked back at Alex and asked if he was ready for bed.

"Let's go." Alex turned off the fireplace and led him up the stairs.

They flopped on the bed, it was plush and huge, John lie on it diagonally just because he could.

"You're maybe the most perfect human in the world." Alex decided.

"False."

"No, I think so."

Alexander carefully, meticulously disrobed John, his skin glowing beautifully in the lamplight.

"Roll over, sugar."

John complied, goosebumps prickling his naked skin. Alex covered him from the waist down with the comforter and retrieved the massage oil from his bag, warmed some of it in his hands, it smelled like warm vanilla and amber, he rubbed John's neck and shoulders, trailing down his back. Kneading the taught flesh of his lats, the sensitive skin of his lower back. John moaned at his touch, the relief of muscles he didn't realize ached with tension. Alex kissed a trail across his shoulders, hands still working at his lower back.

"Feels so good." John's voice was muffled by the pillows.

"Got something else that might make you feel good." Alex's voice was dark.

John blushed into the pillow, "we don't have to."

"Mmm, but I want to, need to." Alex reached under the blanket and took a handful of John's firm ass.

Another sign of things getting better. Alexander's body cooperated with his desire and they tangled together, an explosion of greedy, wanton love, delicate, tender love, hot, osculant affection.

After their tryst was over Alexander led John to the en suite bathroom and ran a hot bath in the jacuzzi tub. They curled up together by the jets, Alex washing John's back, John washing Alex's hair, quietly at peace together until the water ran cold, they dried off and snuggled in bed together, Alex shivering. John pressed their naked flesh together, the body heat soothing Alexander's chill.

"My poor, cold island boy." John kissed his forehead and Alex fell asleep in the warm embrace of his love, ear pressed against his heartbeat.


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry for the delay in updating, yay busy life. Please review, and as always, thank you for reading!**

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Alexander woke up early, John sleeping face down beside him, arm thrown over Alexander at an awkward angle. Alex grinned widely considering the day he'd planned. He slid out of bed and brewed himself a pot of coffee, turning the kettle on for John. He hopped up on the counter and checked twitter to make sure nothing terrible happened in the world overnight. Checked his email, nothing. Unusual. He figured that Washington wouldn't bother him knowing how much Washington himself wanted to take some time and enjoy his wife's company. Alex poured himself a cup of coffee, relishing the first, almost too hot sip, and poured a mug of tea to steep for John before going to wake him.

"Morning, sunshine." Alex set the mug on John's bedside table and kissed the tip of his nose.

"Mmm." John rolled over and clapped a hand to his face.

"Wake up!" Alexander demanded with an almost childlike petulance, "it's your birthday! Wake up!" Took a deep drink from his coffee.

John blinked and yawned widely, nose crinkling, all of his teeth on display, he sat up and Alexander handed him the mug.

"Hi." He sniffed and wiped his face, ran a hand through his hair, messy curls knotted wildly around him, took a drink of tea.

"Good morning!" Alexander could barely contain himself.

"This is really good. What is it?" John looked skeptically into the tea.

"It's called the October 28th blend. I custom ordered it. All your favourites in one. Rose and mint, just a little bit of orange, French vanilla, a white tea base."

"What? You made this?"

"Well, I mean, I told them what to put in it basically, It's from the tea store downtown that you like so much."

John blushed and looked away, biting his lip.

"How are you so sweet to me?"

"Well, Jack, you don't make it difficult, you're smart and funny, and so easy on the eyes, shall I go on?"

John couldn't hold back embarrassed giggles, "stop,"

"No, I don't think I will, I rather like the sound of my own voice. Let's see, what else do I love about my husband? Oh well, there's the way that your hair gets all tangled in the morning like it is now, there's the way you bite your lip when you feel silly about taking compliments, there's your incredible eye for photography, your compassion, the way you love animals, the way you dance with me and pull me out on the dancefloor, when you try and start fights about social inequality after a few too many drinks, when you think you can rap after a few more drinks. The way your eyes look when you wear certain colours-"

"Alex!" John whined and threw himself into the pillows.

Alexander jumped on top of him, put his face close to his ear, "the way you take care of me, when you bring me a quart of egg drop soup when I'm sick, how you've stuck by me through so much thick and thin."

"Alex!" His voice was muffled by the pillows.

"There's a way you can shut me up." Alexander said, almost a taunt, "but until then, oh, there's the face you make when you accidentally drink my coffee thinking it's your tea, or how you'll give almost anyone a bear hug that knocks them over."

John made a high pitched squeal and turned away from the pillows and planted a kiss on Alex's mouth, he tried to keep talking into John's mouth. John laughed into the kiss and kissed him harder. They pulled away.

"Are you done?" John was beet red, his freckles competing with the saturation on his face. Alexander adored the effect he'd had.

"For now, now get dressed, we have a big day."

They got ready to go, John laboured over packing his camera bag, making sure that he had enough back up batteries.

"Did you take your meds?" The cloud that hung over them, even on vacation. Alex bit back a snarky response.

"Thanks for the reminder, be right there."

In the car Alexander navigated while John drove, a hand on his thigh. John placed his hand over Alex's in his lap.

"Where are we going?"

"First to get some breakfast."

"And then?"

"Can't tell you."

"Ugh, the suspense!"

Breakfast was delicious, the Penny Cluse cafe, a busy little dive. After a bite of John's gingerbread and banana pancakes, Alex regretted his choice of polenta and eggs, even though it was also delicious. John admonished him for not getting something with syrup. 'We're _in_ Vermont.' he repeated over and over.

The drive after breakfast was short. They neared Waterfront Park and Alexander told him to turn in to the long parking lot.

"Alright, do you get it yet?"

The two-story building materialized before them, John read the name, "ECHO Leahy Center for Lake Champlain?"

Alex beamed, "mhm!"

"Okay? What is it?"

Alexander recited the description he'd memorized from the website, "a 30,000 square foot lake aquarium and science center."

John's mouth curled into a grin, "what?" He drew the word out into several syllables.

"Oh, yeah, I'm good." Alex blew a kiss at him.

"Well, come on, let's go!"

They walked into the museum and got tickets. They strolled through the first exhibit, mostly just fish, though John commented on the vegetation in the tanks. A turtle poked its head out from between rocks and John beamed a grin at Alexander and pointed to it. Alex shook his head and continued meandering, reading every plaque he could find. He laughed, and beckoned John over.

"Look, babe, it's you." He pointed at the plaque and read it aloud, "the Stinkpot Turtle."

John rolled his eyes, "really?"

Alexander shrugged and wrapped his arms around John's waist, "got some freaky looking claws. Mmm mmm, I don't mess with that thing."

John tried to find each of the animals in the tank, "there's one… and there's one, that's another one."

Alex stopped paying attention to the marine life and breathed in John, tucked his cheek against John's shoulder blade, swaying them slightly. After the better part of twenty minutes they went to another exhibit, John prattling on about vegetation and aquatic conditions, Alexander didn't understand most of it, but John sounded so pretty when he talked that he tried his best to listen. Alexander stopped to admire a fat snake sitting coiled in a tank, he leaned in close.

"Think I can talk to him?" Alex quirked an eyebrow.

"You're no parseltongue."

"Hey, Slytherin pride," he turned to the snake, "ha sha sa, sssss." The snake didn't move.

"Okay, that's not even what parseltongue sounds like. I feel like that was racist to snakes."

"Whatever, he's just a hater like you."

"I'm not a hater."

"Yup, you're a hater, a Slytherin hater."

"Well, that's just because Slytherin is the worst, they're mostly just terrible people."

"Wow, pretty bold statement there, Mr. Light and Love."

"Well, not Snape. Snape's cool. Gryffindor is where it's at."

Alex laughed a sharp staccato, _ha!_ "I don't know where you get this impression that you're a Gryffindor, you're totally a Hufflepuff."

"What, no way! Gryffindor pride, baby."

"Only cause you've got the whole lion mane thing going on."

John rolled his eyes and they moved to the next exhibit. They spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon walking the halls of the aquarium, John's freckles looked beautiful under the muted blue light. Alex posted up on a bench with John's camera bag and scrolled twitter, letting John pace between the tanks.

"Alex, guess what?"

"What?" Alexander looked up.

"You can adopt a turtle."

"No." Alex thought of all the trips to Petco, the turtles sunning themselves in Central Park that he'd had to pull John away from, "no pets."

"No no no no, listen, you don't like adopt-adopt them, it's symbolic. For ecology."

"I'm intrigued."

On their way out they stopped at the front desk and asked about the adoption program, a friendly older docent talked them through the process, Alex eagerly swiped his debit card.

"What would you like to name her?" The docent handed them a picture of the turtle.

"Frances." John decided instantly.

"That's a terrible name." Alex cackled.

"I like it. It's sweet." John countered and wrote it on the sheet.

The docent handed them the picture as well as a tiny plush turtle. They walked hand in hand to the car, John put the stuffed turtle on the dashboard.

"Pretty cute." John laughed.

"You sure are."

"Oh, stop, lunch?"

"Even better."

Alex navigated them to their next destination, the Lake Champlain Chocolate Factory.

"Alex, you're spoiling me."

Alexander got out of the car, "good."

They went on a tour of the factory and sampled sea salt dark chocolate and bought enough chocolate for their own stockpile and enough for their friends, Alex got a thank you basket for Angelica and one for Lafayette for letting them use the cabin and car respectively.

They sat in the car and ate their chocolates together. John's phone rang, facetime from Lafayette, he answered and Alex crowded into the frame so they could both talk to him.

"Bon anniversaire. Happy happy birthday!"

"Thank you, hi!" John waved.

"How is you trip, mon amis?"

"Amazing!" John cheered.

"It's been great." Alexander agreed.

"The car is good enough, no?"

"It's perfect. Thank you so much."

"We're gonna get freaky in the backseat later." Alex said deadpan.

"Well, someone should, I am far too tall." Lafayette shrugged.

"Look!" John held up the little plush turtle.

"You have made a friend." Lafayette smiled.

"Okay, but hold on, he named it Frances." Alexander couldn't pull the judging tone out of his voice.

"What is wrong with this name? I do not understand why a name meaning 'of France' could ever be bad."

"It's a terrible name, and it's basically like from Deadpool."

John rolled his eyes. Lafayette asked them what else they'd done and they filled him in. Hercules stuck his head in front of the camera, blocking out Lafayette, "Laurens, my man, happy birthday!"

"Thanks, Herc."

"Having fun up there?"

"So much fun. Alex did a great job planning."

"Seems like it, be safe. Have fun."

The four waved goodbyes to each other with a final round of happy birthdays to John.


	22. Chapter 22

**I take forever to write. Damn that real life thing. I'd love to just run away to write for about six weeks, alas, no such luck. Hopefully I'll be able to crank out another chapter this weekend. Please please review, it means so much to me.**

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After their late lunch, John wanted to go back to the cabin and relax together.

"Does my incredibly romantic husband have any other plans for us today?" John asked, laying on the couch. Alex flopped down on top of him.

"Nope, not for today, whatever you want to do, sugar."

"I want a nap more than anything, just some down time with you this evening." He yawned and wrapped his arms around Alexander, shutting his eyes.

"You're so boring." Alexander teased, tracing the bridge of John's nose, counting freckles.

John quickly fell asleep, Alex lie with him, snuggled up, listening to him snore softly. Finally, he forced himself to get up sneakily, as to not disturb John, and get his presents out. He arranged them on the footstool and woke him up.

"Time for presents, love."

John smiled and sat up, his hair disheveled. Half freed from its tie. Alexander handed him a box, medium sized, but heavy. He opened it slowly, cheeks dimpling in a grin.

It was a beautifully bound book, Alex perched on the edge of the coffee table, John quirked an eyebrow as he opened the book, tongue flicking out in concentration. He gasped.

"My pictures."

"Do you like it?" Alexander blushed lightly, scratching his chin.

"I love it. Wow, you made this?"

Alex nodded.

"Babe, this is amazing. How?"

"It was easy, all online, I want you to be able to show off your work."

"Thank you." He hugged Alexander tightly.

"You're already wearing your other gift." Alex smirked, proud of himself.

"What?"

Alexander rubbed his thumb over John's wedding band.

"Seems like a cop out, I do love my ring, though." John chuckled at him.

"No, I'm serious." Alex bit his lip and took John's ring off, handing it to him for inspection, "remember when you lost your ring last week doing dishes? Sorry… kind of."

John looked at it, the crease that formed in his glabella when he was focusing on something visible as his eyebrows drew together. He held it up to the light, around the inside was a tiny etched engraving glinting against the rose gold, _juntos._

"Together." John smiled, his dimples even deeper.

"Together." Alex agreed.

"Superaremos esto, juntos. No matter what life throws at us, we'll get through it together."

Alexander leaned forward and kissed John's forehead, "I love you."

"I love you, too,"

"Happy birthday, sweetheart. You want to go have dinner?"

"Am I too lame if we stay in? Order pizza?"

"That's what you want?"

"I mean, isn't that what we do on special nights?" He thought back to their wedding night.

"Alright, weirdo."

Alex ordered John's favourite and balked when they said it would be an hour before it was delivered.

"I'm not even that hungry yet, it's okay." John reassured him.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"I mean we could put one on, but honestly I'm way more interested in making out with you."

Alexander's eyebrows twitched, "that so?"

John nodded and Alex flung himself at his husband, kissing him passionately. John giggled into his mouth and he pulled away.

"Just like our wedding night."

"It was a good night," Alex reminded him.

"It was." John kissed him despite their smiles and let the time pass until their pizza arrived.

With paper plates of pizza in their laps John asked what Alexander's plans were for the following day.

"Well, there's the Ethan Allen homestead museum, I think that would be pretty cool to go see."

John quirked an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that! He was an important figure in the Revolutionary Era. Not everyone can be Ben Franklin."

John just rolled his eyes, "that's true dear."

Alex's phone began to ring and he grabbed it, answering the facetime call with a smile, "Angelita!"

"Hi! Where's John?" She asked through the phone and Alexander tilted it to be able to see him in the camera.

"Hi!" John waved, setting his pizza back on the plate.

"Happy birthday, friend! Are you seriously eating pizza on your birthday? Alex! What about that really nice seafood place my dad took us to?"

"He requested pizza! The birthday boy gets to pick." Alex huffed.

"It's true, I did, but, Alexander made me dinner last night!"

Angelica's eyebrows raised in shock, "sorry, I think I must have bad connection, did you really say that Alex, this Alex, cup-o-noodles Alex, burns toast every time Alex, struggles to remember all the ingredients to a bowl of cereal Alex made dinner?"

"He did, he made us spaghetti and salad, and there was bread and wine. It was lovely." John smiled.

"It was inedible." Alex reminded him.

"That I can believe." Angelica agreed.

"Rude." Alexander shook his head.

"Anyway, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday, the other Schuyler ladies send their love. Bye guys!"

Alexander and John waved and said their goodbyes and then finished their pizza. Alex poured over a guidebook that he'd picked up last week and was planning out the next day of their vacation. John settled into his sketchbook, taking time to draw for fun, a sketch of Alexander writing, his favourite subject to draw, an easy one too as Alex would sit in the same place for hours. Finally he yawned and Alexander glanced up from his notebook, one purchased specifically to be the itinerary for their trip.

"Ready for bed?" Alex pondered.

John nodded and got up, yawning. They readied themselves for bed and enjoyed the king bed in the master bedroom, more space than their queen at home could afford them. Alexander tucked John into his arms and they said their good nights, John was quickly asleep after the excitement of their day.

Sleep didn't last long, John woke, confused in the darkness, Alexander moaning, shouting, his breath rapid and catching in his throat.

"No, John, no. No. Don't. Jack! Don't leave me, Jack. Please. No no no no." He cried.

John wrapped him in his arms, cradling his head in the crook of his elbow he wiped his eyes and crooned to him, "Alex, baby, it's a dream. I'm here. I'm here. Wake up, love. Shh."

Alexander woke with a start, frozen stiff in John's arms, he could feel the heat rise to his cheeks in embarrassment when he realized he'd only been having a nightmare.

"Sorry." He whispered sheepishly and tried to roll over, John held him close in his arms.

"Stop that. I love you, you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm not." Alexander crossed his arms over his chest, realizing that John wasn't going to simply let him roll over and pretend this wasn't happening.

"Alex, I know you. It's okay. Everyone has bad dreams."

"I know that." He set his jaw.

"Then be nice to yourself. No one's allowed to be mean to you on my watch, not even you."

Hot, angry tears rolled down Alex's cheeks, "stupid. This is stupid, I try to take you away for your birthday, forget all this shit, but no, I can't even do that right."

"Stop." John's voice was soft but stern. He peeled Alex's arms away from his chest and sat himself against the headboard, pulling Alexander between his legs, back against his chest.

Alexander furrowed his brows at being moved, he stuck the side of his thumb between his teeth and began worrying at a hangnail that had gotten infected and refused to heal, biting at the flap of flesh until he tasted blood. John moved his hand away from his mouth and held it, kissing his knuckles.

"You aren't stupid. I've never known anyone in my whole life who deserves to be called stupid less than you. Sure, things have been hard, but guess what, that's life, we both know that," he slipped his wedding ring off and made Alex feel the inside of the band, "feel that? Juntos, you and me, together, always."

Alexander held John's wedding band, John's words were louder than his demons, together. Juntos. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself not to cry, when John kissed his forehead he lost the battle and turned his face into John's soft sleep shirt, dampening it with tears.

"I know, mi querido. You're okay."

John swayed them as Alexander cried, remaining vigilant, holding him tightly. Like most things in his life, Alex struggled to be brief in his emotions and cried for at least the next hour. John just held him and let it run its course.

"Am I ever going to be better?" Alex's breath was quick and his words stuttery.

"You're already the best."

"No. This. Am I ever going to get better?" Alex gesticulated broadly in the darkness.

"We can't know for sure, love, but I'd say you are better. But, even if you never got any better I'd still be right here."

This made Alex start crying harder.

"What's wrong, love?" John sighed, his drawl becoming more apparent the more tired he became.

"You. Deserve. Better." Alexander choked.

"I don't want better. I want you, this life we have, that's what I want."

Guilt ate at Alex's frayed edges, through the great window they could see the sky lightening to gray.

"I'm sorry I kept you up all night."

"I'd never sleep again if it meant I could keep you here and safe."

They watched the sunrise through the great window, John still holding Alex between his legs, Alexander leaned back, resting his head on John's collarbone. John pressed light kisses into Alex's hair, whispering his adorations.


	23. Chapter 23

**Reviews are amazing, please drop some love if you're enjoying this. Thank you for reading!**

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John pecked Alex's head and scooted away, "I'm gonna go make you coffee."

Alexander checked his phone, scrolling twitter, checked his emails and messaged Washington to make sure nothing too catastrophic was happening in his absence. Washington assured him that everything was fine and that he should enjoy himself. John returned with their mugs. Alexander smelled the strong Earl Grey scent wafting off of John's mug.

"You're sleepy." Alex observed, gratefully taking the mug.

"A little, this will help."

"You can go to sleep, it's still early, most of the museums don't open until nine or ten."

"No, I'm okay." John sat next to him, looking at the lake in the grey haze of morning.

They sipped their drinks in reverent silence.

"You're my favourite human, and I thought that before you brought me coffee." Alexander leaned into John's shoulder.

"And you're mine, mi amor." John yawned and sniffed, trying to wake himself up.

"My poor sleepy love. Take a nap, I really don't mind."

"You sure? Sorry we can't all be blessed with the ability to stay awake for 472 hours at a time."

"Hey, I'll agree it's a weird superpower, but you take what you can get."

John looked at the dark purple circles under Alexander's eyes, they were omnipresent, but seemed so much worse in the low light of the dawn.

"Sleep with me?" John tried to keep the desperation out of his voice.

"Nah, I'm good, babe. My superpowers are activated." Alexander tucked him in and kissed his temple.

John snuggled into the bed and Alex descended the stairs, poured himself another cup of coffee, turned on the fireplace and started writing, using a journaling technique he'd learned in the hospital. He tried to still his mind, to calm the storm. He was tired, but too afraid of the demons to try and get any sleep. Despite morning having fully arrived, the sky stayed dark grey. Alex sighed and looked at his phone, checking the weather. A storm was moving in, guaranteed not to improve his mood. He rubbed his face and stood at the sound of thunder in the distance, even if he couldn't sleep, he still wanted to be close to John. He went back up to the bedroom and snuggled into bed next to John who was sleeping soundly, mouth open, his body warm and slightly damp from being curled so tightly under the blankets. He configured himself around Alexander.

Alex watched the storm roll in through the window, feeling the flicker of anxiety glowing hot in his belly. Another crack of thunder, this time louder. John either heard it or sensed Alex's anxiousness and pulled him in tighter, Alexander breathed in John's familiar scent and sighed, trying to practice his deep breaths. Rain beat against the roof of the cottage and John mumbled through his snores.

"S'okay, babe."

Alexander took another breath, held it and released it, panic edged at him. It was morning. Realizing this, he slipped from John's grasp and went to the ensuite, found his meds and took them, hoping that they - or the placebo - could stave off his panic, and he went back to bed. John was stirring, Alex snuggled against his back and pet his hair, looping the curls around his fingers, twisting them methodically, trying to stay grounded. He was so tired, but so scared to go to sleep. Felt so weak, so small, but safe against John. The thunder grew louder and John mumbled more comfort to him, the cannonade of the storm intensifying. Alexander kept breathing, counting silently up and down his fingers.

 _One two three four five six seven eight nine ten_

 _Ten nine eight seven six five four three two one_

 _Uno dos tres cuatro cinco seis siete ocho nueve diez_

 _Diez nueve ocho siete seis cinco cuatro tres dos uno_

 _Un deux trois quatre cinq six sept huit neuf dix_

 _Dix neuf huit sept six cinq quatre trois deux un._

He was so tired, if he could just sleep through the storm it would be better, it was still early, just now after seven. Sleeping would help, it would help everything. He held John tighter and closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep. He did fall asleep and slept heavily, dreamlessly, woke later to the sunshine streaming in, the bed empty, he wiped drool from his face and got up. John was sitting on the couch, facing the window, sketchbook in his lap. He joined him downstairs, peering over his shoulder at the sketchbook, he captured the beautiful pale tones of the bold colours of leaves reflected in the surface of the lake.

"What time is it?" He asked.

"Two."

"Damn, sorry, I really didn't mean to sleep the day away."

"I'm glad you did, seems like there was a pretty wicked storm this morning."

Alex nodded, "I was still awake when it started."

"Are you hungry?"

Alex nodded and they planned to go out, Alexander insisted on a shower first, feeling grimy from sleep and wanting to wash the previous night off. John was content to keep drawing, he managed to look put together, wearing dark, slim jeans and had pulled Alex's hoodie on over his baseball tee, completed with socks adorned with little dinosaurs. Alexander showered and dressed himself, freezing as he demanded his hoodie back, reluctantly John gave it back to him. They left to go to the restaurant.

"Less than a week till the election." John broke their comfortable silence in the car.

"I know, I'm so ready for this to be over, and for Washington to win."

"I think I'm going to throw a party at our house. I don't want to celebrate alone."

"I wish I could be with you. Usher in the victory with a kiss from you."

"It's not new years."

"Might as well be, it's going to be revolutionary."

Over their meal, they discussed their itinerary, Alexander materialized his notebook and they planned, considering the day mostly lost they decided to go see a movie and save the remaining museum for the next day. The movie theatre was nearby, Alexander gave in to seeing the newest Disney film that John had prattled on about, but not without discussing the capitalist influence of the Disney corporation, John ignored his rant and they enjoyed the movie, John downloading the soundtrack as soon as the lights came on.

"Well?" John inquired.

"Fine. It was pretty good." Alexander agreed.

"See! I told you you'd like it."

They walked up and down the strip mall that the theatre was in and stopped in some of the stores to shop and gaze at what wares were for sale. Even though Alexander was kicking himself for wasting one of their days, John thought to himself that it had been a perfect day. He longed for lazy days like this one when they were at home, and it doubled his excitement for the coming election.


	24. Chapter 24

**The boys go home. Almost election time. Thanks for reading, please review. I squeal with joy every time I see one.**

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The rest of their vacation passed, Alexander was relieved that apart from the one hiccup of a lost day, it had been perfect. They'd slept in together, caught up on shows, gotten to go to the Ethan Allen homestead, which even John had to admit was cooler than he thought it would be. Even though several times through the tour Alexander couldn't restrain himself from correcting the tour guide on actual history as opposed to the script of the tour. It had been warm enough to go for another walk, though John had elected this time to let Alex wear his jacket. By the time that they were packing up Lafayette's car to go home they were both ready to sleep in their own bed. Alexander felt his anxiety edging back in. There were only a few days until the election. Washington was firmly ahead, he'd been checking the polls regularly, but there was still no guarantee. They locked up the cottage after giving it a final once over and then headed to the car, John stretched as tall as he could and swooped down to touch his toes, ready for a long car ride. Alexander buckled himself in and sipped his coffee. John started the car and turned around, they settled into the trip. John could sense Alex's anxiety, he was bent over a notebook, writing scraggly from the motion of the car. He reached over and rubbed Alex's knee.

"Doing okay, love?" John asked.

"Yeah, just, the election. Trying to plot all the angles."

"Well don't Doctor Strange yourself into a panic attack. It's gonna be what it's gonna be."

"I know it'll be fine. I'm just nervous. He's going to win."

"My philosophy is that worrying makes you suffer twice." John quoted at him.

"Fantastic Beasts. My lovely little nerd."

Alex napped eventually, folding awkwardly over the center console to lean his head against John. John just kept driving, put on some music quietly while Alex slept and sang along with it. While he drove, he thought about what was to come, he knew that Washington's standings were good, but he couldn't help but imagine what life would be like in the Laurens-Hamilton household if he did lose. When they got to Jersey Alex woke up, apologizing for sleeping so long. John waved his apologies away and his road rage reappeared, grumbling at the idiots who don't know how to drive. John yawned and Alexander took it as a cue to apologize for not knowing how to drive. They made it into the city and Alexander worked to keep John calm, keep all appendages in the car, didn't need John flipping people off. Finally they arrived at Lafayette and Herc's building and parked the car in the garage, getting their bags out. They had stopped at a gas station on the other side of the bridge and emptied out their trash. Alexander led the way to the elevator and they lugged their baggage behind them.

Laf answered the door, "mes amies, we missed you, come in you must be so exhausted from your journey, I will make you some coffee, Alex. Come, sit." Laf busied himself in the kitchen and Hercules paused his video game from the couch and made room for them.

"Sup guys?" Herc asked.

"Not much, just rolled back into town. Really great week though." John snuggled up to Alex on the couch, feeling sleepy, Alex felt guilty for napping the whole way home.

"What is the most fun you had?" Lafayette asked, returning with espresso for himself and Alex, tea for John.

Alex sipped the bitter crema from the top and pondered, "we went to an aquarium, and getting to see John all excited was definitely the highlight for me."

"An aquarium? How did you get him to leave?" Hercules chuckled.

"Hey!" John retorted.

"And, John, mon cher, what was your favourite part?"

"Well, Alexander made us dinner, that was pretty fantastic, or we went out to dinner one night at this restaurant sat on the lake, it was incredible watching the sunset."

Lafayette kidnapped John in the office, wanting to show him some graphic designs posters that had been submitted for their next event on twitter. Hercules took the opportunity to check in with Alex.

"You doing okay, buddy?"

"Better, yeah, had a bad night while we were gone."

Herc's eyes narrowed quizzically, "everything okay?"

Alex bit his lip and nodded, "yeah, I think it's just the stress of the election coming up, I feel like I'm just guilty all the time, like there's always at least one thing I'm neglecting, either my marriage, my work, myself, you guys."

"Whoa, hey, don't add us in there, you are totally good, man. We get it one hundred percent. Did I tell you I told Lee to fuck off?"

Alex's mouth dropped, "really?"

"Maybe not directly, but I made enough of a scene to make it seem believable that I became fed up with his shenanigans. Dude, I've got so much dirt on that asshole."

Alexander shook his head, "I knew he was slimy, damn, I'm impressed though."

"Figured there wasn't really anything more I could do for GDub, and so I said fuck it, I missed Laf, too many late nights, I really don't know how you do it."

"You see my problem."

"I totally do, buddy. Almost done."

"So what are you doing for work now?"

"I'm waiting to hear back from a fashion startup, they need a tailor for their shows, it's not really what I want to be doing, but it's so damn hard to even get a foot in the fashion door, so it's a start."

"Dude, that's awesome, I'm so excited for you!"

"Well, don't go baking me a cake just yet, still gotta get the job."

"You will, I'll be a reference if you need me to, I mean you saved my wedding."

Hercules grinned, "I did, didn't I?"

Alexander nodded and John and Laf re-emerged from the office, "no, I really think that that's the way to go, let's get that hashtag going by Friday, it'll start local, so I want the election news to die down a little so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle." John was totally in charge, Alex's heart fluttered, watching him in his element. Lafayette was listening to him intently.

"You need to stay and work, babe?" Alex asked.

"Nah, we're good, let's get out of these guys' hair."

Alex slapped Hercules a high five and they gathered their stuff.

"You got it?" Lafayette asked.

"We're good, thanks again, couldn't have done it without you." Alex squeezed him.

"Later," John reached up and ruffled Laf's hair, "bye, Herc!"

John and Alex rode the subway, Alexander perching on his suitcase.

"Did you have an okay birthday?"

"Are you kidding? It was spectacular. I'm just glad I have a couple months to figure out what to do for yours."

"It's no contest. I just love you."

"I love you, too. I don't remember what state we left the house in, hopefully it isn't destroyed."

"It's not, I cleaned it before we left, we need to get groceries tomorrow, though."

"I'll go, I know you need to be in the office, probably a couple late nights in our future."

"Just one more week, querido." He reached out and squeezed John's hand.

"One more week."

"Herc quit. Basically told Lee to go fuck himself."

"Laf told me. Did Hercules tell you that his crowning glory was telling Lee that he had spent all of his wages on donations to Planned Parenthood?"

Alex snorted, "that's amazing."

They arrived home and John flopped into their bed, facedown in the pillows. Alex locked up the apartment, took his meds, brushed his teeth, and joined him, John was already asleep by the time he got back into the bedroom. Alex took John's shoes off and pulled his pants off of him. John stirred and Alexander hushed him. Alex dressed down and curled up with John who was now mumbling his adoration to Alexander.

"Night, babe, te amo." Alex kissed his cheek and rubbed his back. He fell asleep soon as well.


	25. Chapter 25

**Alright, gang, this is it. Thank you so much for coming along for the ride. It's been a whirlwind. My other story _Like You Need it to Survive_ is still going strong, it's been a good 42,000 words, but we've come to the end of this tale, for now, maybe I'll make a sequel. I do have some other ideas percolating. Let me know what you thought of this one. Thank you for all the support along the way! **

**Cheers!**

 **-MindAtWork**

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"Alex, eat. Put down your coffee, eat. Sit for five minutes." John leaned against the wall. Alex was perched on the edge of the stool, kept leaving the room, pacing, getting what he needed, putting it in his bag, returning to the breakfast bar.

"I know. I know." He stuffed a bite of eggs in his mouth and sat more fully on the stool.

"Thank you. No repeat performance of the debate." John's voice was light, but it had an undercurrent of seriousness, remembering that night.

"I know. Polls open in an hour. I need to get going, though."

John nodded and closed the distance between them, hugged his husband tightly, "I love you so much, no matter what happens tonight, okay? We're all watching. Call me if you need anything. I'm proud of you, I'm proud of Washington, I love you forever, you're amazing."

"I love you, too. See you tonight, hopefully we'll be celebrating." There was a mischievous glint in his eyes and John felt butterflies flutter through his stomach, loving that even after years together Alex could still make him giddy.

"Bye, babe, good luck."

"See ya later, querido." Alex pulled his lips back in a goofy nervous grin, eyes wide, and blew out a breath, picked up his travel mug, "here goes."

John cleaned up their breakfast dishes and sat on the sofa, he was nervous, today was the culmination of… everything. So much hard work, so many sleepless nights, so many lonely ones. There was so much riding on the outcome. He tapped his feet nervously and tried to work. The new slogan for his movement set to launch in just three days. He struggled to keep his mind from drifting and he wandered through the apartment looking for something to do. Lafayette called him at eight, checking on how Alexander was that morning, agreed to come over and spend the day with John.

Lafayette had dragged a tired looking Hercules along, who, while Laf and John were scheming and scheduling the next strategic movement they'd make for the cause had fallen asleep - arms crossed over his chest - on the couch. Lafayette's eyes twinkling as he glanced over his shoulder at Hercules snoring softly. The morning gave way to afternoon and John texted Alex, couldn't wait to hear how things were going, his messages were met with brief responses, he was busy. At two Angelica arrived, on time for the plans they'd made to go vote together.

"Good turn out." Angelica stared ahead at the line before them.

"This is it!" John called over his shoulder when it was his turn to vote, he sat behind the screen and bubbled in George Washington's vote bubble dark in pencil, grinning at seeing it on paper.

By seven, the other Schuyler girls had trickled into John and Alex's apartment, Eliza off work, Peggy, from… somewhere. John set out snacks for them to munch on nervously. The ticker tape at the bottom of the television screen said good things 38% reporting so far, Washington leading with 64% of the calculated votes. Lafayette was curled up against Hercules, Peggy sat on the floor in front of Angelica who was braiding her little sister's hair. Eliza responding to work emails on her phone. John fidgeted with a fray on his jeans, eyes glued to the screen.

"Hey! There he is!" Peggy cheered.

On the television, tucked behind George Washington, Alex stood, bottom lip set gently between his teeth, placid expression, Washington leaned back and whispered something in Alexander's ear that earned a laugh from both men, John smiled at the light heartedness of the scene. Alex looked good, eyes bright, posture nervous, but jovial. Looked sharp in his navy suit.

"Up to 49% reporting." Hercules read.

"Still leading." Angelica agreed.

"We got this." John sighed.

At ten o'clock, 81% of the votes were in, Washington leading by 76%, the screen changed to a reporter, "we've just been informed that Charles Lee has made a call to George Washington to give his concession, it seems that we have a winner, New York."

"What?" Lafayette looked between Hercules and John.

John's breath caught, the screen changed back to the live feed, George clapped Alex on the shoulder, kissed Martha, smoothed his lapel. Alexander whispered something to him. John listened to Washington's speech in a daze, could hear Alexander's words, that perfect, impactful cadence that he wrote in being delivered by the convincing orator that was Washington. John wanted to talk to Alex so badly. Couldn't wait for them to celebrate together.

"We won!" Hercules pumped his fist in the air.

"We won?" Lafayette stared in disbelief.

John stood, "we won!"

They all cheered, "we won!"

The rest of the evening devolved into debauchery and drinking. Hercules led a rousing chorus that they all attempted to sing along to, Lafayette had claimed a bottle of wine to himself and was drinking it from the bottle, John had amassed an impressive collection of empty Sam Adams cans, the sisters doing shots in the kitchen. It was almost one am when Alexander got home, he looked exhausted, his tie loose, suit jacket crumpled in his hand, hair down and creased from being confined to a ponytail all day, forehead wrinkled in exhaustion. John pounced on him, drunk and delighted.

"You did it!" John clung to Alexander to help him stay upright, the drinks and the excitement commingling to impair his motor skills..

"We did it!" Alex cheered to the room of friends, and whispered in John's ear, "juntos."

Their friends raised a glass to Alexander, he gave a little mock speech about the significance of what had happened for New York tonight, something about, _our children_ made John's heart leap, hope that things would be okay, certainly they would get better for New York, and better for Alex, and things would be good.


End file.
